U—I wish I could say that I’ve even received a shame based apology from him, let alone a truly remorseful one. I could count on one hand the amount of apologies I’ve received from him in the 9 years we’ve been together. Almost all of them were rescinded shortly after delivery. He believes that he is just an easy going guy and that I’m a monster who ruined his left. He has zero accountability.
Shame is really powerful. Your H may really believe he is easy-going and you are a monster... OR... those may simply be coping mechanisms that he has developed to try to handle his shame. He may not even be aware of the shame. Either way, if he cannot get over his shame and progress towards regret and remorse, he will be stuck in his ways. Not your problem.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
The last time we argued, my H tried to argue with me about how long we’ve been together, how long we were engaged before we got married...as if I don’t know?! It feels like he is trying to minimize our marriage and our life together to assuage his guilt and make it all seem disposable. It’s so insulting. And then he wants to be all “how was your day? It’s good to see you” when he picks up D3. It makes it really hard (impossible so far) to behave the way I would like to in his presence. And then I feel mad at myself.
I hear you struggling with anger and being frustrated at yourself about having your emotions tethered to your H.
He could say the sky is red. Would that upset you?
This is really really really hard. But all these arguments and situations where you feel insulted are baiting you into emotional traps. Forget what he thinks. It doesn't matter. Feel secure in your own reality. You know how long you were married. Who cares if he claims something else? He could say 2+2=5.
This comes down to Detachment. You can know all the basic scripts and how to behave, but the actual process of emotionally detaching takes time and hard work. Your emotions are signals that you are still quite attached. You are being tossed around by the waves -- find your anchor.
I'm not suggesting you ignore your anger or frustration. In fact I think you should work on regaining control of those feelings, rather than having the sense that your anger or frustration are being driven by your H. These are your feelings to own. The more self-differentiated you are, the more you will be able to experience a full set of emotions without feeling pulled around by outside forces.
You have no choice but to move through this emotional minefield. You can either run wildly with a blindfold on and hope you get through unscathed, or you can walk calmly and be fully aware of all the mines surrounding you. Work on that awareness and calmness. The mines are still there, but you don't have to step on them, and you don't have to rush.
Sorry if this came across as harsh... As with any anonymous internet post, I advise you take what you want from it and ignore the rest =)
