How To Treat Spouse With Children 2

[HrtHsbnd]

I think I was saying those things to her because I thought we were heading in a good place.

Maybe you should explain exactly what you mean by she seems to be having more good days than bad now. Are you referring to the verbal interactions between the two of you? Do you sense her attitude is better? Are her actions indicating she wants to reconcile?

Yes I am. We have been having really great conversations and taking steps in the right direction, really up until Sunday. Her attitude does seem to be getting much better. She hasn’t used separation or divorce in weeks. I felt that it was a little early to talk about starting the reconciliation process because her actions weren’t there just yet. However, they were coming.

I’ll tell you about it in my update post.

To be blunt.......she is blowing smoke up your rear. Look, she is using all this co-parenting b.s. as her ticket to keep you in the hot seat. I dare say that her view of you communicating and co-parenting with her, is not the basic rules of communication needed for co-parenting one child. One example is how she wants you to sit and listen to her read stories to him, when he's with you in your house. IMHO, that is not realistic when the parents are living in a physical separation. Just b/c she labels it part of co-parenting or communication, doesn't make it so. I think she may be wanting to go a bit extreme under the heading of co-parenting. Since when do you have to measure up to her standards of co-parenting and communicating. I mean, by reading what she told you, it sounds as if she's holding it over your head. Has she threatened to fight you for child custody or something?

Correct me if I am thinking of another sitch, but didn't the MC sessions start with the purpose of co-parenting? I mean, this has been her thing, hasn't it? She doesn't want to work on the MR, so after five months, I would think the co-parenting subject would have been covered by now. Truth is, you didn't attend for the purpose of co-parenting. You went for the purpose of reconciling your M, and she has been stringing you along all this time.

You are right. She said we originally went for coparenting. First we went because he’s also a child psychologist and she wanted him to see our son. During that first session the MC said he was fine and wanted to work with us. He asked her to drop the D. From then on out she’s says it’s coparenting, but we only talk about our relationship. We have very briefly talked about coparenting, with the therapist saying that this should only be temporary. We’ve gone now for 8 sessions. She has started to use therapy when I tell her she’s not doing anything to work on the relationship and as the only place to discuss our relationship.

What is she stringing me along to do?

I suggest you stop trying to convince of anything, especially about yourself. She keeps pulling your strings, and you are dancing around like her puppet. She says you aren't communicating enough, and you jump up and dance. She says you need to co-parent in the ways she wants, and you jump up and dance. She throws just enough crumbs about how she might work on something more, if you do things like she wants.........and you jump up and dance to her tune. You say you are an alpha male, but from what I can see, she's the one who is clearly in charge.

You are so right. In this situation, I am letting her be in control because I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been so angry with her about our jobs. It’s my way to apologize, be humble and sincere.

How do I get to be alpha without coming across as a jerk? I feel that there’s absolutely nothing I can do right now that’s right, so I’m trying to just minimize giving her any ammo.

It was horrible b/c you decided it is horrible whenever she gets angry at you. You allow her moods or quick anger to determine if the day is good or horrible. When she got irritated and shut down the webchat, then it should have ended there, as for as you were concerned. You should have made a mental note that you wouldn't compliment her outfits, and gone on with your evening. You should have ignored her text attack, instead of responding. Clearly, you do not have boundaries in place and allow verbal attacks. The guys here may not agree with me, and they may say you should validate when she attacks......but IMHO, this is not how you deal with a disrespectful wife. Okay, so she didn't like you complementing her outfit, what did you say that made her mad enough to shut down the conversation? The only time a woman doesn't like a complement is when it comes from someone that disgusts her, or it is putting emotional pressure on her, or makes her feel uncomfortable by the implications. I suggest you don't compliment her again, for a very long time. I also suggest you set some boundaries in place.

I agree with you. Boundaries are done. I’ve not put up with any further nonsense and have held my ground.

I think you both have been guilty of trying to emotionally control the other one. In so many words, she warns you, then you warn her......around & around the merry wheel goes. Until you decide your self respect is most important, then I think you will continue on the ride. Not to oversimplify, but a lot of the problems in this sitch would be resolved if you seriously decided that you will not be disrespected without consequences. You need to treat her in a respectful manner, too, if possible. Know the difference in showing respect.....cowing down......accommodating......and pursuing. You need to know where to draw lines. You don't chase after someone who has just disrespected you. That's how I see your actions after she attacked you. As long as she can attack you for complimenting her, and she gets rewarded..........when do you think she'll change that type of action? She gets mad, pouts or throws a tantrum.......and you are there with soothing words, supporting and encouraging her. Hows that working?

I'm not saying you should act ugly or hateful. There is a way that a husband can teach his W that he won't tolerate bad behavior. He can show firmness without being angry or mean. He can show strength without emotionally pressuring her. He can demonstrate his love, without being a wuss.

You are so right and I needed to hear that. I have been doing that and I guess I just feel that it’s black and white. Either I’m a jerk or I’m not. But I’m learning there’s a lot more to this than just that. I have been standing firm in my boundaries and I believe she knows it too.

Things have been going well until recently. I’ll update my situation in its own post and I would love for you to comment on it.

Newcomers often remind me of new converts trying interpret scripture. It takes spiritual discernment for it to make sense........and especially when it comes to application to one's life. I think you are trying to use advice you've received from various sources, but you are struggling with discernment. That's JMHO. ((hugs))

This is so true Sandi. This is me. I’m trying to do whatever I can do that works, even if it’s nothing.

Thank you so much. I always appreciate your replies!