I'm spending some time trying to recalibrate after yesterday, and focus on what's important.
I appreciate the honesty my W brought to MC yesterday. She is not ready to work on the MR.
She admitted she has individual issues to work on in IC, and lately her IC sessions have focused on separation issues (child safety, etc.) rather than personal work. She wants to focus on herself again and processing what happened in our MR. She said she's not ready to share her feelings about what happened prior to our separation - in particular when I pulled the car over in March and she feared for her life.
I don't feel as blamed as I did 2 months ago. I did things I regret. Whether they should be called abuse I don't know, but I know I am changing into a person who would not make those same decisions (like pulling the car over).
I am slightly more accepting of limbo today. I feel less urgency. I feel like I got more from my W than "I need time and space." I have a healthy dose of skepticism mixed in, but I can accept that today she is not ready to dive deep.
Even if my W and I can get over this first hurdle, there are other issues that would need to be addressed. It's a long road ahead either way.
Financially it is easy to get triggered. But quite honestly I think it's best for everyone involved to have a clear picture of the financial implications either way. So I am okay with that piece.
I think it's a good thing you are taking a break from MC to work on yourself, U. W had the wherewithal to realize that it is pointless to continue if you aren't working on the R. It would be a completely new R at this point at any rate - so maybe this will help you to see if a new R is possible, or is even something that you want.
The limbo part - that comes and goes in waves. Enjoy the calm periods and work to make them last as long as possible. See if you can practice trying not to react if you have an interaction initiated by W. I had a lot of success with this for a good 4 or 5 months before falling off the wagon last week - but it definitely is possible.
Everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect. Dont forget to forgive yourself too. We are all trying to be the best humans we can. Sometimes we fall - I do, often - but it's what happens after we fall that matters.
