Now what?

[BarbH]

Thanks again all: He doesn't have hidden assets, he doesn't even know what assets he has! I am worried he will run up debts, hook up with someone else and then stop paying his share here. I do not have the resources to carry this place. We need to be separated for a year before divorce, so this is just the separation agreement, but it will dictate how assets are split during the divorce. I see he's taken the boat. But I have pictures of it. So I think I will call my sister-in-law, and suggest that Don and I meet there after I get off work on Wednesday. Honestly I think he's so messed up that he thinks by not dealing it's not "real" and he can come back. Don't know why he would want to when he's clearly in a place right now where he can't even be in the room with me.

Oh yes, hamburg-I really now believe nothing of what he says. I'm talking to the bank tomorrow re: the refinance and paying out of debts. Then if I can handle the mortgage-he can leave. Though I think this bouncing back and forth is already wearing thin for him.

[BarbH]

Oh Hamburg-I just read all your threads. You have certainly been through the wringer, and you know of what you speak. Thank you again for your hard earned and valuable insight. Don has gone totally dark on me. He's even timing his "visits" home for when he thinks I'm not here. Is he just totally spooked by the idea of a separation agreement? It's for his protection as much as mine. I could just as easily stop paying the mortgage too..I just crunched all the numbers if he backs out of paying anything...looks like I'll be working overtime to make ends meet. But I was before, so really, what's new?

[Hamburg]

Yeah it has been quite the journey. I owe most everything to the folks here. They are great!

I don't know what is going through his, or any other MLC'er heads. I do know that they are thinking for the moment and not the future. They are not equipped to contemplate major decisions and the consequences. He will likely punt it to you, therefore reducing the blame/burden on himself. I do feel that they may not necessarily want these consequences but that little spark takes over and they must do anything to fulfill their fantasies.

[BarbH]

Well, I think some reality is hitting. We were supposed to talk about sep. agreement last night. He texted and asked for all of our log in banking information, including my credit cards! I said no. I told him I've listed out the debts as of June 19 (sep. day). I told him I would continue to send him the applicable statements while we are still splitting the payment load. Then he said "I'm trying to get my head around the finances". and "I can't meet tonight, its very stressful regarding the money situation, not in a good frame of mind". I've been trying to talk to him about finances for the past 5 years.

my answer "Fair enough, yes we can certainly agree on the stress level! I still think if we can swing some kind of refinance it gets us both some space." He agreed. I told him I'm meeting with our bank on saturday. his answer "OK. Keep me posted. I am back at work tomorrow".

then he asked how I came up with the June 19 separation date! This date is etched in my mind. It was when we were supposed to start counselling, and instead I got the "I love you but there's no spark" speech and "we're done". I told him "that's the date we met up and you said we were done". No reply.

I actually thought this was some reasonably decent conversation. I also think now that he's finally looked at the numbers it's quite the reality check. I don't know if he'll ever look back and admit this is also his issue...and that's why I was working so much overtime. (which he blamed me for! not enough time spent with his family!) It's actually a relief to finally have dumped some of this load and stress over to him. I'm sure his sister is on his case. She is aware (from our previous conversations) how little interest/discussion he ever took in our money.

But, this morning, I'm in a spot where I need to talk. I woke up in the night and thought "once we've done this agreement, and the financials, there's no reason for us to stay in touch". So even though I said this divorce wasn't going to be busted, I still have hope. I don't want to lose touch with him. I know it's his journey. There's part of me that's still thinking "we can do this". I don't know how much of this is MLC, and how much is just unhappy WAS. Either way, I know, I have to do the same things. GAL, PMA etc. But I'm seriously feeling down this morning. Had trouble getting out of bed.

[Hamburg]

I would be cautious about anything he is requesting. Even if he's not financially ready, it will not hinder the process nor wake him up. He may want to see your information to convince himself he can do it alone. If it were me, I would spin it back to him and say you will share records with the lawyer after he does so.

You are great to want to stay in touch. I did that for a few months and could not handle it emotionally anymore, so I went dark. I couldn't be witness to the insanity, participate in the drama, nor see her destroy her life. If you are unable to hang on, he will eventually come back (perhaps as just a friend). This may take years though.

[BarbH]

For sure cautious. I didn't give him any log in information. Right now we are splitting all the bills 50/50 and that includes credit card debt and line of credit payments. I will share the statements, but I'm not sharing login. I am talking to my bank on Saturday-looks like they will refi our mortgage and we can pay out all the consumer debt. Then life becomes simpler. He stills wants me to stay here for a year-and our agreement stipulates 50/50 payment mortgage, utilities, insurance. Gives me the opportunity to get the property and house organized for sale, and buys me some time so I don't do anything rash. So I guess we will still be in touch re the house. He's saying things like "we need to get firewood in for the winter", and "if I want to stay in town while I'm working my shifts, he'll come stay with the dog". Whether that's true or not, I have no idea.

Sometimes I think maybe it's the truth that he does just find it too much here, and wants some time away to sort his head out. But then I think of some of the things he's said and done lately, and how he and everyone around him just keeps saying "he's confused" and I just don't know.

It's his 60th tomorrow. Do I acknowledge it? Text message?

[job]

Time will tell just how much he will help out. I would consider a Plan B for those things, i.e., such as dog sitting, arranging for firewood, etc.

I would send a simple text of "Happy Birthday" and leave it at that.

[BarbH]

Just came home after night shift. His birthday is weighing on my mind. 60-and we were going to start retirement. Instead here I am, depressed as all get out today, teary and sad. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest. There's no one else to talk to at this time of the day, so here I am. I just need to tell someone. I wish I could fast forward a year and be in a better place, or I wish that he'd come back. Bedtime, then dog walk, then girlfriends tonight for crib. You know you're getting old when the big Friday night is a girl's crib night. I'm afraid even saying "Happy Birthday" might be interpreted as sarcasm. I'm afraid not acknowledging is interpreted as not caring at all. I never thought saying Happy Birthday to my husband would be an issue.

[BarbH]

Sent a text: "Happy Birthday. (and I mean this with all sincerity)"

I got back "thank you".

good enough.

[job]

That is all you needed to say.

You can come here day or night and someone is always around. We have walked the path that you are on at this very moment. Some are just beginning and others are much further along and then us, old timers crossed the finished line a while ago and remain here to help others.

Cry, scream, beat the stuffing out of a pillow or whatever works to help you work through the hurt.

Hang in there! You will get through this, but it's going to take some time to do so.