Update. Well, we've continued to talk and spend a bit more time together - I let him instigate that. It feels easier than it did and I feel less needy and anxious in his company. There are misunderstandings sometimes. I think he's as tentative and as scared as I am, though sometimes it looks to me like it is reluctance or resentment - so I have a hard time not reading the worst into his feelings, and he into mine. We've talked through a couple of those moments together fairly well though there's not so much R talk. The sadness I feel is still there, but not as strong as it used to be. There are bitter sweet moments, where sometimes I forget (especially if he is affectionate with me) but then I remember and want to draw back. He talks to me a little about his therapy. I am careful not to offer advice or opinions. He looks healthier and healthier - he is clearly taking much better care of himself and it seems the drinking habits I was getting worried about seem to have changed.
I really thought we were heading in the right direction, and were starting to have some talks about what I would need and what he would need to take things further - when I found out that he's only able to stay at the place he is renting until November. I didn't know that. Now I am thinking that perhaps he's just trying to get onto my good side because it suits him better to be at home than look for somewhere else to live. He has the money and ability to find somewhere else in the short term, and in the long term a divorce would lower both our standards of living slightly but not significantly, so I am not sure how much of an influence that really is on him or if it's just my insecurities showing. I notice him paying lots of special attention to the children and things between him and Eldest are 100% better. There are still flash points occasionally (usually caused by Eldest being pretty difficult - as would be normal for a boy his age) but H seems to deal much better with them - he is firm but not abusive, belittling or sarcastic. It's been a good while since he's behaved in a way I'd consider to be abusive. At times he is very tender and loving with me. Eldest is still in therapy and seems much calmer and more settled.
The difficulty is in me, I think. I do love him, but I look at him and see the terrible things he's said and done to me. The way his temper frightened me and made him utterly unreachable - he became a man that could not be reasoned with and was not capable of civility. That really wasn't so long ago. Father's Day (which is mid June here in the UK) I had to call him a taxi and throw him out of my home because his behaviour was so incoherent and unacceptable. That's only two months ago - and while he's consistently behaved much much better than that in recent times, I have no idea how he would behave under the normal stress and strain of family life, poorly behaved teenagers, trouble at work, illness - all the normal stuff that a marriage needs to bear. I don't feel afraid of him now because I have my own space and control over when and how I see him. But I can't really imagine how I could trust him again now I've seen what he's capable of. I don't expect perfection and he's doing and saying all the right things but neither of us can change the past and growing trust again is very slow.
Originally Posted by Family Man
If you give him a clue he can focus his attentions more selectively and you can speed up the process for both of you. Let him know you are monitoring and that you are looking for the same light at the end of the tunnel( if you are? ). Don't give him a list of objectives - that is for him to work out.
Thank you for this Family Man. Could you give me some suggestions as to the kind of thing you mean? I guess if I was going to come out and ask for specifics, I would say 1. he needs to go to IC, 2. he needs to see his doctor for stress / depression and do whatever his doctor suggests 3. he needs to have no contact at all with EA woman 4. he needs to concentrate his attention on repairing the relationship with his children 5. he needs to communicate with me openly and honestly without blaming me or using verbally abusing or belittling language. And he is doing all of these things - I mean, he could be lying about 1, 2 and 3 but because I am witnessing such clear changes on 4 and 5 I don't think he is. I am not sure what else I could ask for that would make me feel better. Only time, I suppose.
