Thanks IW. Navigating this separation with loving or friendly detachment is almost impossible.
The NGS emotions are flooding back. Anxiety first and foremost. I'm more nervous about having said "No" than about all the other things I said. It signals to me I have work to do... I am grateful that I recognize the anxiety flooding back and that I need to just pause and let it sit. It may take an hour, a day, a week to resolve... I just need to let it be.
There is a tinge of R hope mixed in to these emotions. But more strongly than R hope, I feel nervous about my W potentially retaliating in the future. "You didn't let me have the kids that one weekend so blah blah blah." And again my old NGS comes back and wants to resolve the nervousness and anxiety by capitulating. Conflict avoidance. Fear. I feel like a coward. Crudely speaking I need to get my b@lls back.
