W and I had our weekly 1:1 call last night and got in a fairly significant tiff. Next weekend is mine with the kids, she had asked to have one of the nights/days because her friend is visiting with her 3 daughters. I told her no.
I didn't want to swap one Fri-Sat for another weekend, because I felt like that chops up my time with the kids into 1 weekend day. I said I would do it in return for a Friday-Sun am time slot somewhere else, which really offended her because it wasn't equal timeshare. I guess I understand, but I don't see the harm in asking.
I violated a lot of DB principles during the conversation. I fell into some old NG habits. I want to be accommodating and likable. And I start to think, "Eh, one night, what does it hurt?"
She was upset. I got the full guilt trip: I get Labor Day. She has offered for me to join them on Halloween. I am being rigid. Weekends are her only time to enjoy the kids too. On and on...
But I stood my ground, something I wouldn't have done before. Yeah, it [censored] for the kids that they won't spend much time with these 3 kids. But also... I didn't plan their visit. My W planned it, before consulting me, and now thinks I'm too "rigid". It ticks me off that now it will "disappoint" our kids not to spend time with these other kids. Then my W went on and on about how difficult it is maintaining the house, and how she'll be running around with the kids now that school and activities are starting, and how she feels so overwhelmed with all the responsibility.
And I screwed up and stopped validating. I brought up that I don't exactly enjoy the situation either. That I'm working full time to support the family, going 10 day stretches without seeing the kids... it is not what I want either. That I feel like she has been quite rigid on issues. I know it was a mistake, but I'm not going to sugar-coat things on this forum. It happened.
We also discussed the remote house where she lives. Maintenance is becoming a headache, and I think the inconvenience of shuttling the kids around this year (now that 2 are in school) is going to make things worse. W seems really overwhelmed now that school is starting. I am frustrated she did not pull together her work schedule while kids were off school, seems like it will only get harder for her. Quite honestly forget the MR I think we will need to sell by next summer. This whole co-parenting thing would be a lot easier if we both had homes in convenient locations - and even if we R I don't think that house works for our family situation. I didn't say all that, it was just my impression after the call.
There's going to be a lot spinning in my head this week, and even more after our two appointments today.
Hey U -
I dont have much advice to give today. I am in a low place again and trying to pull out of it. The cycling [censored].
At any rate - don't be so hard on yourself. Human beings are not perfect. We will screw up, we will give up, we will do things that we will regret later. The thing is to realize it and learn from it - and figure out a way not to makethat mistake again in the future.
