The last few days I have been organizing the house to get it up for sale. I'm heartbroken. I hung onto it for this long hoping for ,,,I don't know.... a sign that said I should hang on more. I didn't get one. Not a strong enough one at least.
It is stupid to continue paying the cost to live here. I need to secure my financial future without having to rely on his contribution, or my part time job, or having a boarder. If any one of those things changes, then it becomes a financial struggle.
At first, my h was hesitant, and assumed I wasn't ready (or was that projection?). I could have stopped the plans right there if I said I wasn't ready and we would have continued for another 6 or so months before it came up again. But what is the point? So he gets to say when it's time? Him and his OW? Because it suits him/her? I am glad I am going forward - because this is what I decided for my life,,, not them.
I can't help wonder if this will finally end everything. Once we no longer own property together, and no reason to maintain contact,,,, is this where it all ends? Is this where it should all end?
My thoughts are to go very very dark after this is all done. Not NC, but very dark. Seeing him as long as OW is still in the picture at all,,, bothers me too much.
I can't help but be terribly sad while doing these final things to end our marriage. So this is it. How is that right? Some loose morals woman just sails off with my h who once adored and cherised me. I get a shattered life. They get each other.
How does it happen that an instant love at first sight attraction can turn into the real deal? Or real enough that it survives busting up a marriage and then survives for many years after? Especially when the marriage that was destroyed was a decent one?
