OM Backed Out

[Rita]

Tad, I am struck reading what you wrote to DnJ that your very clear and deep wound got rewounded just exactly the same way all over again.

Your parents divorced, and you found a safe loving home with your grandma. Then you have to deal with this stepdad who doesn't get how beautiful and fragile your heart is, how full of love you are, and he brutalizes that openness of your heart by telling you that a man doesn't love like that. And you get ripped away from the one who loved you as yourself, your grandma, and had to move far far away, to a culture that was very different and I rather doubt it was one that nurtured your fragile heart.

And you had to be afraid of showing your love and your hurt. And then you saw that fear played out and realized over and over again in your life, and repeated by XW.

I say this because my exact wound from childhood, and one that I saw repeated with several other R's before H, was then taken to an all new level of hurt, horror, pain, anguish, by H.

You know I am a religious lady, and it's this wound that I keep bringing to God and saying, "WHY?" Why did you give me a life as a child where I was wounded that way, and why did you keep allowing that same wound to be reopened in the same way, and now this, this horrible reopening/stabbling/salting by H in the exact same way?

There is this book by Harville Hendrix called, "How to Get the Love you Want." I loved it before I became a Christian, it explained a lot about my relationship with H, back when it was a pretty good R but still with the usual problems we all have in R's. But anyway his point is that you look for someone who will reopen your wound, just as your spouse does. And that you have this incredible opportunity, if you are on the same page, of healing each other's wound.

In our cases, it went the opposite direction, obviously.

But this brings me to what I have been hearing via prayer. In my case, what I hear is that only God can heal that wound,and I have to give it to him. I am not sure how to translate this to secular-speak, but I think I would say that it's great that you are seeing your wound, and I think you have to see it more. And then I think you have to watch "Good Will Hunting" again and keep telling yourself, "It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

You have a beautiful, open, fragile, loving heart. Most women dream of finding a man with a heart like that. Don't give up on that heart, it's not your enemy. It's the best part of you and it wasn't allowed to love the way it wanted. I am not sure how you heal that without God but I know that you have to heal it and you don't have to harden it.