Alison - it seems to me that you really want to get some assurance that your H has made substantive changes and that is eminently reasonable. He's presumably only a bloke so his mind is racing round in circles trying to convince you of something. He will be wasting loads of emotional energy. If you give him a clue he can focus his attentions more selectively and you can speed up the process for both of you. Let him know you are monitoring and that you are looking for the same light at the end of the tunnel( if you are? ). Don't give him a list of objectives - that is for him to work out.

This process is hard for both of you. Don't make it any harder than it needs to be

Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )