(((Tony))). You may not feel this way but you are doing really well Tony. I was a mess for months. Did not think I would EVER get over my H and could not even conceive of liking anyone else let alone liking them enough to want to sleep with them. The very thought of it made me want to throw up... I had that feeling a lot in the early days. My H was the first thing I thought of when I got up each morning and the last thing I thought of before bed every night. It felt like he would never leave my thoughts and I honestly just wanted to throw DBing out the window and curl up into a little ball and die.
But I persevered and slowly but surely things got better. Seeing him or talking to him started hurting less and disrupted my day less. And I started to have days where he would be the second or third thing I thought of. In those days when I had my kids full time during the week, he would pick up my daughter twice a week in the am to take her to tutoring. I used to get up extra early to shower and get ready so that when he stopped in and was in my presence for five minutes, he would see me looking good and we would have a friendly exchange. My week would revolve around those five minute meetings. Eventually though, my need to do that started to fade until one morning, I was in my bathroom drying my hair and singing along to my music in my bathroom when I glanced down at the clock and realized he had come and gone and I hadn’t even thought of it. That was a great day and it has been that way ever since. He still picks up my daughter when I have her and I cannot remember the last time we crossed paths in the morning.
Once my days stopped revolving around him and I had a lot less contact, I started to be able to see some of the problems in our marriage. I still think they were resolvable if my H had chosen to make me aware of his unhappiness and we had worked on things together but that was never going to be his path. He is an avoider and a runner. He would rather reinvent himself and start over then look in the mirror and own some of his feelings and behaviours. So we were always going to end up here. Accepting that was my next step to healing and it gave me the courage to face one of my fears which is that I was too old and too flawed and unloveable to find anyone else. So I started online dating and was pleasantly surprised to find out that not only were there plenty of people out there who would be interested in me but that I was seen as a “great catch”. That ego boost was, I think, enough to really keep me moving toward the future... that and the knowledge that one of my worst fears was realized (losing my H and my MR) and I survived and some would even say, thrived. I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I have met a great guy who may not be perfect for me but he has brought a lot of joy to my life and reminded me that I am a very affectionate person (my H’s neglect of me had drained that from me). I love the physical aspect of our relationship as much as the emotional/mental aspect of it. Not sure if we will be together in a year or even six months but I don’t even care at this point. I am living my life in the now and it feels great.
Did not want to hijack your thread by writing all of this Tony but I just wanted to lend you my support and to provide you with a living, breathing example of someone who did not save her marriage but did save herself and is doing great. Also...re: the stuff... I hear you. My H still has lots of stuff here which he is slowly moving to his new home. It is limited to the storage room and the garage at this point but it is annoying (I want my house free of him completely). However, it does not affect me emotionally any longer. My advice to you is to put all of her stuff into one room and to close the door and forget about it. Maybe give her a deadline and tell her that if she has not picked up her stuff by then, you will donate it or take it to the dump. I haven’t done that with my H because I am trying to preserve a positive co-parenting relationship with him but I may at some point.
Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on yourself. You will get there and look back on this and wonder to yourself why it took you so long...lol. (((HUGS)))
