If you have to sell the house, where would you consider living? I hate to say this, but it just might be a "relief" for you and your family to sell the house and move into another place, i.e., w/less headaches of constantly having things break down. I know you are adamant about keeping this place, but if I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider selling and moving. The place is dragging you down financially and your children need a place that doesn't have so much negativity in it as well as the constant repair issues.
There comes a time when you need to realize that you can't win every war, and will need to choose your battles wisely. From where I am sitting, I would seriously think about selling the home because at this rate, you will not be debt free of the problems with it for many years, if then. Putting band aids on the problems will just bring those issues back around at a later date. The house needs a serious rehab to take care of those issues and you do not have the money to do these things.
Your h wants his share of the assets regardless of whether he worked on not. In some states, the court will drop the hammer and the other working spouse has to pay spousal support and fork over half of the assets. I do not know what your state says about such things, but you need to be on your toes because the only way that you are going to get any relief from this madness is to settle up and move forward. You can still stand, but you've got to get rid of him and let his anger settle down. The more you try to reason w/everyone and tell them you have no money, the more fuel you are putting on his anger fire. This tug of war will not end soon until someone says "enough" and makes some decisions about all of the assets.
Gerda, the only way that you are going to get through this madness is to start looking at all of this as a business deal gone south and leave the emotions on the street. I know it's been h3ll on you, but you've got to toughen up and use your business skills now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
