Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

Oh btrfly- the ptsd is real. Hugs to you. It’s rough. I still get triggered over a few things and I do have that reminder that I wasn’t enough for my ex. Just got to keep growing and learning.


Interestingly, I am at a bit of an emotional high right now. I watched a “feel good” divorce movie before bed and found myself questioning my worth. Not really, but kind of. In this movie, the woman’s ex greatly regretted his actions and really wanted to try again but it was too late. She couldn’t go back. While it was a movie and completely scripted, I’ve never had any sadness from ex at all. I’ve shared that a ton here so no need to recap, but I still get pangs over it. I no longer blame myself for him falling out of love with me, but I have that deep rooted trauma of constantly doing doing doing doing for ex in order to meet his needs or support the next moving target. And never getting it right.

So, it’s almost 5am here. Been up for the last 2 hours taking down a drunk driver with my neighbor. Ok. That sounds dramatic, but together we called the cops. That was actually the real reason I came on here. Just needed a release. Around 330 there was a huge crash outside my window, I didn’t see what happened but I heard it, so I peeked out. I knew a car had crashed into something but it had turned the corner out of view. I noticed my neighbor across the way was out on her patio because she heard it too. Basically, the guy was wasted and then he tried to squeeze his little dodge-neon size car into the “space” next to the handicap stall. He actually fit but drove too far ahead straight into the bushes. Neighbor ran out to watch him and she called the cops. Meanwhile, I was a creeper who filmed from the balcony. The guy couldn’t even stand and I think he saw her watching him so he got back into the car and fled. I knew it was safer to stay where I was but feel terrible that I couldn’t stop him from starting the car and driving off. Anyway, I was imagining him being on the road with my loved ones and that freaked me out. So stupid and dangerous. WIt’s really scary seeing someone that inebriated get into a car. A few mins later the cops came (4 vehicles) and as soon as they started questioning us, they got the call that he was found and would be taken into custody. Thank goodness

Not going to lie...it was scary. I absolutely hated seeing that. I was feeling a bit sad as I went to bed and to be awoken with that fear and adrenaline just compounds it. I have this slight feeling of doom and wonder if this is what people feel when they have a panic attack. I’m ok..., just emotionally fried I guess.