Fine tuning my inner Me

[Grace21]

DnJ – Thanks for the well thought out response and advice. I really do appreciate the time and effort it takes to put it all together, but know that it is always useful. I appreciate it.

Detachment and addiction. The withdrawal from the pull of our memories of spouse and life is painful. Relief comes from some of those actions, like snooping - it feeds the addiction so that withdrawal pain subsides for a while. However, it brings about other pains. Every time dulls that sword a bit. Keep it sharp.

I get this. I am strong enough to do this. At my IC session, my therapist said something that struck me as brilliant. She said “Remind yourself that you can tolerate and handle uncertainty”. Uncertainty is my biggest problem. I like to plan, organize, control, know RIGHT NOW the outcome.

So. “I will tolerate uncertainty”. “I can handle uncertainty”. Or how about “Uncertainty never killed anybody”.

Put away the pictures, even the last 1 wedding picture. I know how difficult that is. God knows I do.

On my agenda today. In fact I’m going to redecorate the office top to bottom after the kids go back to school. Today I’ll just clean it top to bottom. Start fresh.

Some other crazy hard things to do. Block your spouse on social media. They are not your Facebook friend. Unfriend, unfollow, and block them. Do not worry the modern world has many forms of communication of which your wayward husband can contact you. What you’re blocking is your avenue to snoop. To keep you on track. This is for you.

Not there yet. I did take H off my newsfeed. He really doesn’t use it much. It’s a band page. It still shows married to me with pics of us here and there. Weird. I will consider.

Take 24 to 48 hours to respond. It allows your emotions to settle, which doesn’t then tie your spouse to your anxious feelings that are all churned up when the message first comes in. You are more calm when communicating and that reinforces the emotions you want to reinforce.

I’ve said as much to a friend just a few days ago – I don’t want to make any decisions when my emotions are high. I want them logic based, and well thought out. There has been some financial activity recently – phone calls to financial adviser, his inheritance trust, for example. I think he’s probably going to buy a place. Of course I’m anxious about it, but will wait before I say anything and let it play out a bit. I did reach out to my financial advisor though and asked him to let me know if there were any major changes to our joint accounts.

Separate what bills you can.

I am considering this. The phone bill is really the only one that ties me to him. TV, internet etc are automatic from our joint account. We do still share a Visa. This might have to be eliminated. He only seems to use it for going out with the kids, so to me it’s not a big deal. Anyway, I will consider this some more.

Start purchasing gift cards at grocery stores, and so on.

Actively doing this since H moved out. Have a nice sum in cash and gift cards. Still collecting. Probably could last 3 months on my salary and what I have saved. It does feel good to have a little safety net.

Your waning on standing, and ideas of D, are further signs of your detachment and indifference.

I explored this a bit with my IC. I think I am trying to fight “normal”. After all these years, of course I still have feelings for him. I need to accept that my feelings, whatever they are, are normal for me, and just let them be. Let them ebb and flow, and pass when ready. It’s useless to fight them. Fighting them can keep me stuck, because they will come back if not allow to pass.

To tell the kids (young adults) and what to tell them….. I would tell them and answer all the questions they have. I would not demonize their Dad, I would show compassion for him explaining his turmoil, and realize their compassion will takes some time to be found. .

The problem is, I still don’t know what to tell them. I’d like to tell them whether H will be living with OW before they go back to school, in their own home where they feel safe, and well before classes start so they have time to deal with their emotions about it. So, I am contemplating asking H next week what his plans are so I have a few days to be available for the kids. Still thinking about this. I also think I will ask H if he will inform the kids of his plans. I still think it’s his responsibility, but I don’t want to “tell him what to do”. If he chooses not to do it, then I have my own choice to inform the kids.

Letting your kids know will clear the air, and keep things accurate. And accuracy is important for pushing back denial and detaching; you have to see things clearly to know what your facing and where to go.

Yes. I think the secrecy of it all with the kids is in part contributing to keeping me stuck and attached. It will be a relief to have them know the truth.


Had a nice time at our dinner last night. Very pleasant evening. I’m relieved.

And, I looked terrific, and felt terrific.

Grace