Unchien—you are right that my default cold and distant mode contributes to my confusion. There’s a strong part of me that feels like, given what has transpired recently, that is what he truly deserves from me. I know the feelings are valid, but I’m pretty sure that feeling like he deserves that from me doesn’t align with DB. But again, you’re right—it means I haven’t dropped the rope. I read about your meditation on your thread or someone else’s, and I KNOW I need to try it.
Hope - Yes, I have become a meditation fanatic in the last month or so. So you may have read about it on my thread.
I won't go on and on about meditation, other than I strongly believe in the value of guided meditations through an app (rather than sitting quiet for 10 minutes focusing on the breath). I just finished one tonight on emotional awareness that really helped me achieve some calmness (frustration is dominant lately for me).
DB will point you towards the end goal of detachment. But I think one can end up trying too hard to "achieve" detachment. For instance, I know I'm not supposed to be frustrated right now. But I am. So rather than push it away because DB says I need to detach, I'm just sitting with it, being aware of it, noticing how it feels. Somehow, this helps. I don't know why, but it does. I am a rational, logical person, and none of this makes any sense.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
Yes I believe my H is a major NG. And I know that only he can do anything about it. When I read what you said, my thought was “you’d think facing divorce and losing your family would be a rock bottom, even if it was your choice”. But, of course, that isn’t how that works. And he put a layer of leaves down by bringing OW into this, so his fall to rock bottom would be just cushioned enough not to hurt too badly. I’m just not sure what else a rock bottom could look like for him.
Maybe "rock bottom" was a poor choice of words.
What I meant to imply was that it takes A LOT for people to make true meaningful change. You may think divorce and losing his family is enough... it probably is not.
I did not really address my NGS until I truly understood how destructive it was to my life. It was not as simple as realizing I was losing my family or my W. It was realizing that if I did not address my issues, I was potentially going to fall into a depressive spiral and be a miserable, unhappy, lonely person for the rest of my life. It felt like life or death. I had panic attacks, I couldn't function at work, I was crying when I drove to work and when I drove home every day. I was a complete wreck. I didn't tell any friends for a month. I felt alone, scared, sometimes paranoid.
I had gone to IC for years before this. I had run across NGS 2 years ago. I went through estrangement with my parents. NONE of those things helped me work on my issues.
In any case, true change takes a lot. Think about what you have had to go through in order to change yourself.
Finally I caution you not to spend too much energy worrying about whether your H has NGS. That's his problem, not yours, and the more you worry about his problems, the harder it will be to detach. I like to think of it as the difference between detached curiosity (good) vs. diagnosis and frustration (bad). "How strange, H has twisted the past yet again. Hmmm... I'm going to go GAL it up right now."
