Sandi—I do think I have been grieving actively this year. It’s possible that I’ve recently started to fight that process more. I’ve been in IC since H left, and I remember telling her directly that I sometimes worried that I was in denial/not grieving properly because my hope and hanging on instinct would pop up so much. She helped me see that my hope and denial were parts of my grief, and that when the waves of heartbreak got to be too much I latched on to them like a life raft so I could catch a breath. She assured me that she had no doubt that I was actively grieving, so I took her word for it. All that said, I may be resisting it currently? It’s food for thought!
Finding out that he is/was dating the same woman this whole time was actually what pushed me over the line into truly feeling done with him and with the MR. That was the point at which I honestly *thought* I had dropped the rope, as it was the first time I felt ready to accept D and move forward. It felt like a bucket of ice water over my head—it completely changed the context of everything that happened over the past year, and I felt DONE. I did not think for a second that I would consider fighting for my MR again. That was just before July 4th. In the last week or two I’ve started to feel conflicted about whether to fight for it again or not.
Your last question is a good one, and not a super easy one to answer. I’ve asked myself many times, and sometimes I’m not sure. What I do know for sure is that I believe that it is 100% possible that if my H were to decide he wanted to meet me half way and do his part that I COULD be totally in love with him again, because my love has been buried under so much pain and anger distrust, and that feels like enough to fight for...? I don’t feel at all judged by your questions, I welcome them and any and all thoughts you have!
Unchien—you are right that my default cold and distant mode contributes to my confusion. There’s a strong part of me that feels like, given what has transpired recently, that is what he truly deserves from me. I know the feelings are valid, but I’m pretty sure that feeling like he deserves that from me doesn’t align with DB. But again, you’re right—it means I haven’t dropped the rope. I read about your meditation on your thread or someone else’s, and I KNOW I need to try it.
Yes I believe my H is a major NG. And I know that only he can do anything about it. When I read what you said, my thought was “you’d think facing divorce and losing your family would be a rock bottom, even if it was your choice”. But of course, that isn’t how that works. And he put a layer of leaves down by bringing OW into this, so his fall to rock bottom would be just cushioned enough not to hurt too badly. I’m just not sure what else a rock bottom could look like for him.
