ADHD, EAs, and MLC are my life

[Max2k10]

Thank you for the tips! I won’t be going dark anytime soon. Especially since she is still living under my roof!

As for questions, they are unstated but you are hitting on some of them in your replies.

I’m a little confused on the MC dissuasion. MWD wrote about how strange it was that most people will divorce without trying it. I have the very concern you stated, but it also is a chance for a carefully selected professional to unpack her messed up emotions and us to work through some of them. We have never had a true bomb drop...just my realization to how far gone she had become. I am being careful to avoid giving her an excuse to separate...but I also think she needs serious help in working through her messed up emotions. She definitely wants to be able to blame me for a breakup if she can...she already is in her mind.

I’ll check over the validation thread...not sure if I read it. My counselor was working on that with me...my natural tendencies as an engineer...one with ADHD impulsiveness...caused me to be very bad with validation, especially in the three years leading up to the miscarriage and in its aftermath (I wanted #3, she waffled).

That’s been my battle plan on the changes since before I read any books on the topic...she’ll eventually realize that they are permanent...and they make me happier too whether or not she rejects them! Early on, I was mostly concerned with keeping them up...now I see that as much easier (discovering her 270hrs on the phone with EA1 over 18mo and her toxic venting txt msgs helped to galvanize my resolve).

When she seems to be in a bad mood...especially if I detect projecting/paranoia, I won’t engage. When she is pleasant/respectful, I will talk with her. Per her request for space, I won’t start relationship talks...but she will sometimes bring them up and I will talk then (about once a week). The key goals in these are to project confidence, openness, and security while learning where she is at and what she is thinking (full understanding that it is a mere snapshot in her turbulent mind).

She doesn’t know that I know about EA2 and EA3...these are not confirmed and she is secretive about it. They may not have any flirtation nor cross the emotional intimacy line, but I suspect that they have. I don’t think she’s capable of seeing them as affairs...she’s in denial about that. To acknowledge it would cause a big conflict between her old self/values and family. Plus, EA1 would hammer her over EA2 and EA3. I’m quite convinced she is fighting a civil war inside herself over it. Her officially stated position is that she should have never gotten married and wishes that she was single. She doesn’t know how to become single without causing destruction...and still defaults to making long term family plans. She has deep emotional issues with me...she described me as having “come back from the dead” when I woke up in February.

Ok on GAL. Happiness makes a person more attractive. I’m generally a happy person.

She’s in Replay right now...I believe...reliving her teenage years!

[Max2k10]

It seems like a lot of the success stories and sticky wisdom posts are people being a lot more amicable with their spouses than the current advice. Why? Detachment is freaking tough, especially for those of us who are optimistic in general, but is there more to it than that?

[SteveLW]

Detachment should be amicable. If you are not amicable while being detached, you are doing it wrong. Go read the detachment thread again.

[ovrrnbw]

Almost all cheaters are conflicted and hurting inside. Most say things like your W says. "We shouldn't have gotten married". It's all garbage, and they know it. These things are why detachment is important. If you want to fight she will love for you to be the bad guy. She needs a punching bag. If you can be detached, strong ,confident, thoughtful as opposed to emotional and reactive? That changes things bigtime.

[Max2k10]

I should clarify: detachment, as in her actions/words do not illicit an emotional response from me. Cease to appear concerned about what she does or what happens...I will be fine regardless. Yes, that is essential. I broke down in June and found that I wasn’t as detached as I thought...it caused trouble.

What I mean is that I see advice which goes from not just giving them space, but seemingly pushing them out. I want to be detached...neither pushing nor pulling...content to be myself. I need to show some emotion to her as that was part of my 180 from being emotionally withdrawn...but my emotions must be independent of her influence and generally happy.

[Max2k10]

Picked up Women in MLC by Conway from the library yesterday. A nice, re-bound copy so that I can easily cover the title while reading.

My copy of DR arrived today. I have hidden it’s overly obvious cover underneath a dust jacket from another book so that I can discretely read it even if she walks into the room.

When my detachment level is strong enough, I think I’ll stop wearing my wedding band and place it with her’s which she stopped wearing months ago...somewhere safe. It can be a little indicator to her that, if she is watching, will signal that I am no longer hers.

[unchien]

When my detachment level is strong enough, I think I’ll stop wearing my wedding band and place it with her’s which she stopped wearing months ago...somewhere safe. It can be a little indicator to her that, if she is watching, will signal that I am no longer hers.

This would not be detachment. Doing something to get a reaction out of your W is the opposite of detachment.

You are correct above that detachment is not the same as being completely withdrawn. Have a PMA. Just be careful about making a 180 to be more emotionally open or vulnerable right now... that would be ill-advised.

Steve85 has a great analogy for this about broken-down cars and oil changes. I don't want to mangle it. Perhaps he can share it or you may run across it other threads.

[Max2k10]

My marriage is like a car which we bought without knowing how to maintain it. We didn’t know how to maintain it and it broke down. She’s decided that it is totaled. Turns out, there are manuals out there, but she’s not interested in fixing it or even to see if it could be fixed.

I see what you mean about if I intend to remove it to get a reaction, then I am not detached. But as long as I wear it, I’m sending the message that I am Plan B. I want to stop that.

[SoTorn]

Excuses......that is what I read above.

Why come to a forum where we preach DBing techniques that work...then buck every single one of them?

GAL. Detach. 180s. It is simple formula. Chasing, pressure and pursuit will land you in divorce court way faster than DBing.

Truth.

And Steves analogy of a car is not that the MR is like a family car that you don't know how to maintain. Its about knowing what needs to be done to maintain the family car, but trying to do the maintenance after the family car has been crashed and set on fire. Your MR has crashed and burned, now is not the time for maintenance (cousneling etc).

Now your family car is crashed and burned, you have two separate cars, one for your wife and one for you that are both driving in different directions. Now is the time to start focusing on your personal car since its still running although in a breaking down state, doing the maintenance on your car and getting it in top shape again.

Your wifes car is all decked out with Autozone fake chrome and she is giving rides to other men. No point in trying to get her back in your car because she doesnt want that. Just focus on your car and making it bad a$$.

[SteveLW]

My marriage is like a car which we bought without knowing how to maintain it. We didn’t know how to maintain it and it broke down. She’s decided that it is totaled. Turns out, there are manuals out there, but she’s not interested in fixing it or even to see if it could be fixed.

I see what you mean about if I intend to remove it to get a reaction, then I am not detached. But as long as I wear it, I’m sending the message that I am Plan B. I want to stop that.

Uh no. Wearing your wedding ring says you stood before God and family and friends and committed your life to your W. It says nothing any being plan B. Wear it until and if you are divorced.