I want to say thank you to everyone for all the replies. I plan to reread them several times to let it all sink in, its a lot of good info.
Originally Posted by sandi2
This is very typical. Your W wants to "normalize" the new arrangement she has forced on the family/home. She is just fine demoting you from husband to a friend, and going through the motions of happy family. Sadly, many couples spend the remaining married years in the friend zone. BTW, how was your sex life, before the bomb drop?
Well, there's some info missing from my original post that came out with my talk with my DB coach regarding the sex life. We hadn't had sex for about 2 years before the bomb drop. Her reason given for it was she said it was because of menopause. Prior to that, we probably had sex maybe every 2-3 weeks, hard to remember how often when it's that far back. I can't really say how long ago the infrequent sex started. As far as our sorry sex life and lack of intimacy, I believe I'm the cause of that. I never considered it a problem until talking with my DB coach, but I've been involved in viewing porn for most of our married life. i don't remember how often I would view it earlier in the marriage, but going back maybe 15 years, it was fairly excessive, viewing porn maybe 4-6 days a week, sometime multiple times per day. Maybe anywhere between 1/2 hour to maybe 2 hours or more wasted time per day. I know this affected our intimacy, my sexual performance, my lack of desire to have sex when my wife wanted it. I would usually say I just wasn't in the mood or too tired. I had trouble maintaining an erection during sex, my wife tried to get me to go to the doctor to have things check out, but I would just blow it off.
Right now, I'm trying to control it on my own. Porn blockers on my devices, trying to be conscious of any triggers that make me want to view porn and redirecting my thoughts. I've only had a couple slip ups the past 5 weeks and I realize I may need professional help.
So,I know all this is the reason for the decline in our marriage. The emotional disconnect this caused between my wife and me was compounded by the lack of us doing much together as a couple over the last several years. I don't blame her for the current situation of our marriage. The bomb drop was my wake up call to all the things I've done wrong for many years that caused her to drift away emotionally and lose the love for me. I'm working on myself and trying to address the issues I have, so even if she were ready to R and come back into the marriage tomorrow, I couldn't do it until I can get my stuff straight. I just want to be ready so when it comes time to R, I won't slip back into my old self and repeat the same mistakes.
Originally Posted by sandi2
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What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.
Then turn this ^^^^^^^around. She should be going crazy not knowing what you are thinking, and what your plans are, since she bombed you.
So to get her going crazy not knowing what I am thinking, is that just part of GAL? Is it just a matter of being mysterious because she doesn't know what's going on with me, where I'm at or what I'm doing?
Originally Posted by sandi2
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hanging out around the house, conversations are like they were before all this happened, like friends hanging out, almost like it never happened, but with no physical contact.
Welcome to your new normal. It will stay this way until Plan A comes through, or one of you die.
Actually, I think I get you. You are trying to follow some general advice that one gets to improve their M, and you want to know if you are doing it correctly. The thing is that by the time a H comes to a public forum seeking help for his M problems, it's very serious and there's usually more going on than comes out initially. I've been around long enough to see this same scenario play out many times. It starts with the H going along with whatever his W decides, and if she's in the mood to hang out and play happy family, goes shopping with her for things she needs, etc. In other words, he is very accommodating.
A wife loses her attraction for her H, and her "in love" feelings, b/c she stops respecting him. Her desire/love is tied to how much she respects him as a man, and as her H. So, that's where you need to start working. She's not going to start respecting you by hanging out with her whenever she decides to drop by the house for a few days. Don't go shopping with her when it's all about her. You should be too busy GAL that doesn't include her. Don't tag along while she's women shopping. Fill up your calendar with activities for yourself. I'm not talking about computer games or watching TV, I mean something that gets you away from the house. You'll probably be concerned about what she'll think about it. Well, that's part of the problem. Stop worrying about her. This is the time to give her a massive amount of space. No texting throughout the day, no doing all her chores around the house, no smothering her with your constant watching or following her around the house.
So with this I guess I should GAL and be around her as little as possible. Usually when she is home for the 2-3 days, its in the evening after work when I'm making dinner and getting my things ready for work the next day. She usually gets home between 6-6:30 and I'm off to bed around 9:30. In that 3 hours, I don't hang around her, I don't greet her at the door. She usually finds me to talk to about her day at work while I'm making dinner ( for the 3 of us, with my son ), or if I'm sitting on the back patio. When she makes her way into the living room, I find something to do in another room. I also don't call or text her unless its something important, the number of times I could count on one hand. She rarely calls me and only texts me when she needs something and I keep my responses short.
