I’ve done a bit of reading on Nice Guy Syndrome as well as on Negative Sentiment Overdrive (if I’m remembering it correctly). Both are most definitely at play in this situation. That may or may not matter at all, but there is something comforting about seeing what you are experiencing written out and identified. And something heart breaking about it as well. It makes it seem more solvable, “if only...” which is not a helpful line of thinking. Detach detach detach detach.
Hope -
Regarding how to act towards him, I like the "friendly neighbor" analogy, it makes things simple. Treat him like a neighbor. Cordial, and that's about it. No emotional attachment. Easier said than done, I know...
Regarding feeling lost and confused: I think there is a misconception in DB that feeling the desire to be cold or distant or angry is somehow wrong or bad, that you are "doing it wrong." All it means is that you have something going on emotionally that suggests you are still holding onto the rope. I don't think that means you should have an aversion to those feelings or push them away. What helps me with anger is to just sit with it. Don't think about it, but also don't push it away. Meditation helps a lot. It doesn't make sense to me rationally, but it works for me. I also recognize more quickly when I am reacting on pure emotion, it helps the DB process a lot.
Regarding NGS (I believe you are saying your H is a NG...) - as a recovering NG I can tell you that it is unlikely he will change without hitting some sort of rock bottom. I discovered NGS 2 years ago when trying to figure out how to resolve some dead bedroom issues with my W, and recognizing I needed to change. Great, right? Nope. It didn't stick. I thought I understood covert contracts, etc., but the lessons were not sewn into the fabric of my being. I did not do the hard work. I took it for granted. It took my W essentially leaving for me to pull my sh*t together. It took a rock bottom.
I'm glad NGS helps you to understand, but I suggest you definitely drop the hope that NGS is "solvable."
