I know I can talk R right now, but should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?
No, and here's why. As crazy as it may sound, she should wonder if she's pushed you away. Even if you are behaving like friends at the moment, she should never be assured that you will always be there for her.......no matter what. She should not be assured that there is nothing she could ever do that would stop you loving her. These are things you tell a spouse who is in love with you. Didn't she tell you she is no longer "in love" with you? You may not see pursuit in the quote above, and that's understandable. Everything is pursuit (emotional pressure), for her. Just suggesting that you would be open to a R talk whenever she's ready..........is pressure. When she's ready to talk, she will. She needs no encouragement or assurance where you stand.
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What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.
Then turn this ^^^^^^^around. She should be going crazy not knowing what you are thinking, and what your plans are, since she bombed you.
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About a week after she broke the news to me, she was rear ended and I think the cars being totalled. I don't know if that's the only reason she's still at home.
She always has two plans. Plan A takes priority, but it doesn't always fall just like she wants.......therefore, she always has a backup plan. That's where you come into the picture as her backup, better known as Plan B.
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Yesterday we were doing some shopping for things she needs,
And why were you tagging along?
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hanging out around the house, conversations are like they were before all this happened, like friends hanging out, almost like it never happened, but with no physical contact.
Welcome to your new normal. It will stay this way until Plan A comes through, or one of you die.
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As far as the apology letter that my DB coach had me write, I should have clarified with her, but she said to give it to my wife when things seem to be going good or getting better. Things are ok right now, but like I said, we're like friends,. I would assume she probably meant when things are turning around and going in a positive direction. Am I right?
I think you are right. I also think you need to forget about the apology letter, b/c it's distracting you from more important things at the moment. For example, you refer to things being okay right now. Although she's not sleeping with you and says she's not in love with you, you define the situation as okay..........b/c she has friend zoned you and for some reason you want to believe it's better than nothing. Let me ask you, if you knew this would be the best it ever gets in the MR, is that okay with you?
Actually, I think I get you. You are trying to follow some general advice that one gets to improve their M, and you want to know if you are doing it correctly. The thing is that by the time a H comes to a public forum seeking help for his M problems, it's very serious and there's usually more going on than comes out initially. I've been around long enough to see this same scenario play out many times. It starts with the H going along with whatever his W decides, and if she's in the mood to hang out and play happy family, goes shopping with her for things she needs, etc. In other words, he is very accommodating.
A wife loses her attraction for her H, and her "in love" feelings, b/c she stops respecting him. Her desire/love is tied to how much she respects him as a man, and as her H. So, that's where you need to start working. She's not going to start respecting you by hanging out with her whenever she decides to drop by the house for a few days. Don't go shopping with her when it's all about her. You should be too busy GAL that doesn't include her. Don't tag along while she's women shopping. Fill up your calendar with activities for yourself. I'm not talking about computer games or watching TV, I mean something that gets you away from the house. You'll probably be concerned about what she'll think about it. Well, that's part of the problem. Stop worrying about her. This is the time to give her a massive amount of space. No texting throughout the day, no doing all her chores around the house, no smothering her with your constant watching or following her around the house.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
