Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY

[sandi2]

She said ILYBNILWY. Said that shes probably felt this way for 3 years but just recently had time to think about things when she went with her girlfriend and girlfriends 2 daughters two weeks earlier on a camping/kayaking weekend and had hours to think while floating down the river.

There's a reason it's called the "bomb drop", b/c it comes out of left field and totally blindsides the H. One thing I recommend is that you don't give her words much credibility from this point until reconciliation. Don't define your day by what she says or whatever mood she happens to show at any given moment. You are going to learn a lot of information on the board, and I hope your focus will not be on what your W is saying or how she's acting. Don't be afraid you might make her angry or upset at you. If you can accomplish what I've said within just this first paragraph, you will be better prepared to undertake futher challenges that await you.

I want you to pay close attention to what I am saying. You must not share your thoughts and/or feelings with your W as you go through this horrific period. Why? B/c she doesn't care about your feelings or thoughts. She has changed, and it's probably going to get much worse before it gets better. She is no longer the same girl you married. You cannot trust her, even if she has always been the most trustworthy person you've ever known. Therefore, you cannot entrust your feelings to her. You cannot share your private thoughts & concerns. You cannot tell her how hard you are willing to work, or how much you still love her, or that you will always be there for her. Why? B/c she doesn't care, Rick. She didn't drop the bomb to get your attention that you had better shape up or ship out. That's not what all of this is about. All she cares about right now is freedom. She doesn't want to hear about MC or working on the MR. She's emotional done with it, and the more you try to do something to fix it..........the more she will resist. So, don't talk to her about saving the M, or giving you a chance to correct whatever mistakes in the past, etc. She doesn't care. Any complaints she might give you about things that were lacking in the relationship,.........doesn't matter at this point. You could become Mr. Perfect and it would not change her mind right now. Why? B/c in her opinion, this situation is not really about you. It's all about her. Her so-called complaints is simply smoke screens to distract and cover. Jumping through hoops of fire to impress her how much you are "trying", is useless. However, there are other things you can do.

What I am suggesting is that you establish a private plan just for Rick (no sharing with the W). It will be your guideline for how you will determine your actions. It will be based on what's best for you, your values, integrity, dignity, honor, spiritual/moral belief system, etc. Right now, you have to get your head detached from her, so that you can think with your brain and not with your emotions. Emotions were not designed to think and make decisions. The job of our emotions is to respond. With that said, I realize you must be dealing with a lot of pain and bewilderment. (((Rick))) You will probably hear the board tell you to "detach". DB detaching is stepping back emotionally from your W and her drama. It is protecting yourself, so you don't go spiraling downward. DB detaching is not behaving mean, cold, mad, or other negatives you may think it's suggesting. You don't cave to your strong emotion to be attached to her. Detachment is needed in order to gain strength and clarity.

The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.

This is very typical. Your W wants to "normalize" the new arrangement she has forced on the family/home. She is just fine demoting you from husband to a friend, and going through the motions of happy family. Sadly, many couples spend the remaining married years in the friend zone. BTW, how was your sex life, before the bomb drop?

So, where I'm at now, we're like friends, talking and hanging out around the house. No physical contact except for a single shoulder massage I gave her. No R talk. I'm not sure where her head is with what's going on. I want to talk R and talk to her about working on what we can do to start moving in the right direction.
Forgot to mention, there's been no mention of the D or separation.

Here's what I see in most H's when they first get the ILYBINILWY speech. It wakes him up and he immediately wants to jump into action to fix whatever is making her unhappy. Two things I want you to remember. You cannot "nice" her back, and you cannot "talk" her back. H's want to resolve the issues by talking to the W, but it doesn't work. The quicker you accept that relationship talks are off the table for now, the sooner you will start absorbing the information we want to pass along. I need to clarify something about R talks. Most W's try to con the H into a R talk. If you see your W's conversation leading that way, it's not b/c she wants to resolve the problems. It's b/c she wants to paint you the bad guy in the M, and thereby, justifying her feelings and whatever actions she may take.

Here's how to deal with her bringing up the relationship, if she does. As long as she doesn't scream, cruse at you, throw things, threaten you, or something alone those lines..........you just listen. But should she start with some of those behaviors, then you leave. On the other hand, if your W talks about the issues in the relationship without getting crazy, your job is to listen. Don't argue, don't defend, & don't explain. Most women just want to be heard. She is not asking to be fixed.

I don't know how well you validate, but I find that many people do not have that natural talent, especially when validating their spouse. There is a thread at the top of newcomers forum that gives a cheat sheet. Read it and be ready to validate your W when she is venting about you, the MR, or something else.

It's important that you read Cadet's recommendations. Post every day you can. You are not alone in this situation. Many people here are further down the road, and be a great help to you.