Fine tuning my inner Me

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

Detachment comes and goes, getting better and more each time. You are doing fine. Really.

Speaking with your IC and pastor are good ideas.

And I do understand having to limit what you tell certain friends, even really good ones. Standing - some people just don’t get it. They want you healed and happy, fast. And to do it properly takes as long as it takes.

I’ve decided I need some help in detaching.

Grace you are a smart woman with a clever mind; your shield is bright and your sword is sharp.

Detachment and addiction. The withdrawal from the pull of our memories of spouse and life is painful. Relief comes from some of those actions, like snooping - it feeds the addiction so that withdrawal pain subsides for a while. However, it brings about other pains. Every time dulls that sword a bit. Keep it sharp.

Once you get through the withdrawal, it will amaze you at just how much an irrational hold it had on you. I found a whole new appreciation for people’s addictions and sufferings.

Some ideas, and some things I found helpful:

Put away the pictures, even the last 1 wedding picture. I know how difficult that is. God knows I do.

I kept my pictures up far too long. And just long enough. That’s the paradox of this mess. Until you choose to do it, it is taking too long, and once you choose and do it, it is right on time. That goes for a lot more than pictures by the way.

What I am trying to say is the choice to follow the counterintuitive advice, to take a leap of faith and stick to it, is the most direct route through all this. That may not be the route you need to take, and that is completely ok. It’s your choice.

Some other crazy hard things to do. Block your spouse on social media. They are not your Facebook friend. Unfriend, unfollow, and block them. Do not worry the modern world has many forms of communication of which your wayward husband can contact you. What you’re blocking is your avenue to snoop. To keep you on track. This is for you.

Take 24 to 48 hours to respond. It allows your emotions to settle, which doesn’t then tie your spouse to your anxious feelings that are all churned up when the message first comes in. You are more calm when communicating and that reinforces the emotions you want to reinforce.

Separate what bills you can. I know we talked before about the cell phone. Having that monthly reminder, seeing his calls, and the fear of what would happen if you suggested separate phone bills. It keeps you attached. If he looked after his bill, no you involved in any way, see how there is nothing to tie back too.

Now, as we discussed before, he might get mad and quit paying his half of things. Yep, lots of fear there. And attachment. Getting financial security established is very good at promoting detachment.

Start purchasing gift cards at grocery stores, and so on. If he does something foolish you will have some protection while things are settled. Also the act of planning and purchasing items like that will detach you a bit more. You are doing something to separate yourself from his potential emotional actions.

H won’t be coming home any time soon, if ever. I have to accept that. His choice. I need to come to terms with being able to accept, even though I don’t like it or agree with it.

Yes, you do need to get to there. But not all in one day.

This is an excellent heading. Move forward in this direction, towards the goal you want - that happy, satisfying life.

Your waning desire to stand. The contemplating of divorce more often. This is part of healing. When you were hurt beyond belief (such a good description by the way, I never really understood that before all this) you couldn’t imagine thinking about divorcing H. Look at you now. See how far you’ve come. How much you’ve healed.

Standing until this point is basically a byproduct of our healing process, we really would not do anything else but stand. However, once healed enough to walk away, that is when standing really becomes for you. It becomes a choice and belief. Don’t worry beliefs can and do change, albeit slowly. So you can decide to stand down later if you so choose.

Your waning on standing, and ideas of D, are further signs of your detachment and indifference. You are doing fine. Stay the course and do not make decisions based on emotions. Get through this part. Find detachment and indifference. Things will look much different there.

To tell the kids (young adults) and what to tell them. My kids are S22, S20, S18, and D17. Yours are S22 and D20. So pretty similar. I would tell them and answer all the questions they have. I would not demonize their Dad, I would show compassion for him explaining his turmoil, and realize their compassion will takes some time to be found.

Whenever your kids find out, it will be a shock. Although they must suspect some stuff; still there will be some shock and disbelief. Then the healing can start. Until they know, the healing cannot start. That is a pretty good reason to tell them. Stay compassionate, factual, kind, and understanding. They will follow your fine example.

Letting your kids know will clear the air, and keep things accurate. And accuracy is important for pushing back denial and detaching; you have to see things clearly to know what your facing and where to go.

H will be joining us for dinner at a high end steak house on Friday night. Late B-Day treat for the kids. He will meet us there. I will be pleasant, upbeat, and look terrific.

Enjoy the evening.

For me, because it makes me feel good.

For H, to show him I’m doing just fine.

Detach.

Look terrific for the important and best reason.

DnJ