I’ve decided I need some help in detaching. I’ve done an o.k. job, but I regress too many times, and I recently had a big setback. Maybe (probably) my own fault for initiating convos with H. I don’t regret doing it, because H acknowledged a few things he never did before. But now I can’t stop thinking about my sitch, Him, Her.
H won’t be coming home any time soon, if ever. I have to accept that. His choice. I need to come to terms with being able to accept, even though I don’t like it or agree with it. I need to live completely as if he never will come back. I think this will be the only way I can consistently live a happy, satisfying life. I also realize I might need a little help in sorting out my reasons for holding on and therefore not being able to detach, and help in exploring my stand. My will to stand is waning. I am contemplating D more often.
I’m seeing my IC today, and I think I will make an appointment with my pastor too.
I took down all the pictures of H and I from the office a few days ago. I really hadn’t gone in there in weeks. There was also a certificate of renewal of vows from about 8 years ago too. I only left 1 wedding picture. I put them in a closet. I came home and S22 informed me he noted that all the pictures were in the closet so he put them back. I told him I was the one that took them down and put them in the closet. I used it as an opportunity to tell him that we need to come to terms with the fact that it seems his dad isn’t planning to come home soon, and maybe never will. That it made me very sad, but it’s reality. He said “I’m tired of this new normal”. I told him I was too.
It made me start thinking about whether I should be the one to let the kids know that his dad has a girlfriend, even if he doesn’t move in with her. I have no idea of the status of it. I considered the reasons why I should tell them. Do I need to tell them? If he lives with her, then yes, I think I do. But if he doesn’t? Is it my place? Would I be doing it for a good reason? Lots to consider. In any event, I guess I’ll wait for word on his new living arrangements. I got an e-mail that there was a hard check against his credit for “Tenant Check”. It would appear he has found a place. With or without OW, I don’t know – yet. Her house is under contract, so she will be looking for a place too.
*Sigh* I’m a bit tired of the whole situation.
Maybe after an appointment or 2 with my IC I will find a bit more clarity. I still have 2 or 3 good friends that give me sage advice. I’m thankful for that, too. Last night my friend said “I don’t want you to make any decisions based on your emotions”. I thanked her for that reminder. I’ve also decided that for the other friends that know a bit about my sitch but are not as supportive of my “stand”, I will not give them further details. Just that H and I still are not together.
H will be joining us for dinner at a high end steak house on Friday night. Late B-Day treat for the kids. He will meet us there. I will be pleasant, upbeat, and look terrific.
