Thanks AS and Steve. Don’t let me fool you lol. I’m still struggling. It’s just now I kinda get it. I get that I have two choices. Stay in the muck. Where she put me. Or go get a freaking life. Be awesome. Maybe she likes me after that. Maybe she doesn’t. That’s up to her. But I’m not going to be available forever. I’m not anyone’s pet.
What I do get hung up on is is how much I’m available for her to come to as a safe place. A solid place. Someone on here told me to be her safe space. To know she can come to me and that will build trust and respect. But I’m not a doormat either. I could use some help finding the balance
If she comes to you, that is the key. DO NOT GO TO HER. Let her come to you. Listen and validate.
As far as availability, well that should be limited by your GAL activities. Don't sit around the house WAITING for her to come to you. Trust me, if she wants to come to you for a safe place, she will find the opportunity.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Safe place........W.....oz I had a really bad day today. Oz......W I am sorry, what happened?
Doormat.....oz go mow the yard, yes ma’am right away. Oz salutes. Or. Oz, I am going out with my friends tonight so I need you to watch S. Oz, I am sorry honey but I am going over to Stan’s house tonight to work on his car. W....dam you oz I want to go out I need this. Oz....ok W I will cancel my plans. Oz sits on the couch all night eating Cheetos while W is out having a fun with her friends.
Or
Oz gets home from work.....W is in a foul mood. Oz starts peppering with questions trying to get her to open up. When she refuses and snaps, oz gets hurt, sad and pouts.
Don't be that Oz.
But if she opens up of her own accord, like the other night for 3 hours, listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oz there is a book called Atomic Attraction by Christopher Canwell that might help shed some more light on how to behave. I would recommend you reading it.
She came home and UNLOADED on me about her job for 3 HOURS. I listened and validated my face off. I’m getting very good at validating. Like really good. Some pretty crazy stuff went down at her job. She was EXTREMELY upset about it. She was about to cry at one point. At another she was almost yelling. I was just her safe place to come to. Somebody on here told me to be that for her
If I was single and I didn't want to hold my boundaries about sleeping with married woman, I could easily get married woman to sleep with me by doing exactly what you did.
All of you reading this, not just OZ, have to understand how important this is. If you are not doing this, some other guy will. And he will have alternative motives.
So OZ, Sometimes it will be three hours. Sometimes 15 minutes. Sometimes, you have to limit it. Other times you have to listen for as long as she needs to talk. Sometimes, you have to hear the same story multiple times.
Sit there and BE HAPPY. Truly feel the pleasure of happiness. Be happy because she is being intimate with you and not some other guy. This is how you build a different kind of intimacy that a woman needs from her man.
It is also important to be able to listen to her vent about YOU. Listen, understand, decide to make changes if they are positive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I know that GAL will limit it. I can’t always be available but I don’t never want to be available either
Also I remember thinking that while she was venting I was glad she was doing it to me. Cause she needed to talk in a bad way. And if it wasn’t me it was gonna be somebody else
She actually acted like she was gonna hug me for a sec cause she wanted comfort. Then she thought better of it. Good thing I didn’t pursue.
I know that GAL will limit it. I can’t always be available but I don’t never want to be available either
I think this kind of works itself out, provided you actually have GAL activities. Then its not an 'excuse' its a fact. You have somewhere else to be and you shouldn't feel bad about being there.
If you don't have something else to do, and you are capable of listening for a while, you listen. Its what she needs at that time. When you are getting defensive or tired, simply tell her. I'm feeling tired or defensive and need some time away from this conversation. Can we continue it on (insert appropriate day and time here)? Its what you need at that time as well.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I continuously make and break contact with my lady. I control the amount of time together. I am closely observing her while we interact. A skill I learned while dating was always ending phone calls first. This plays into that.
I will be busy taking care of things, every time I walk past, I do something different. Sometimes, I do not make eye contact and keep going. Other times, I quickly flirt, or a quick kiss. Other times I rub her neck. When she talks, I listen. Sometimes I say "let me finish this (task I am working). We can talk about this this evening over a glass a wine."
This always lets me get away
H:"I need to use the restroom. lets finish this after (Name some activity like "the dishes are done"). Then I go to the restroom. Then I continue working on whatever I was involved in.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So almost relationships are horrible. I am very clearly in one with W.
I was in an almost relationship with a girl for 9 months once. It stunk I finally told her that I had feelings for her and we had to be a couple or nothing. Cause I couldn’t just be her friend. She left and I never saw her again
