Now what?

[BarbH]

Need to be separated for a year to get a bench divorce.

[job]

You can ask him, but I seriously doubt that you will get an honest answer as to why he wants to stay a year. There could be any number of reasons why he stated the one year live in time period. I'll share some of those reasons, but keep in mind, he is the only one that knows why. It could be that he figures that in one year he can get his ducks in a row financially and locate a new place to live; it could be that he thinks a year is all he needs to get himself back on track; or it could be that he has found someone and they can't move in together until her divorce is final and last but not least, he thinks that a year will give you time to adjust to the fact that you both are going your separate ways and gives you time to locate a new place and homes for the animals.

However, I would most definitely get an agreement in place as soon as possible. As I stated before, you will know when you've had enough and want to move forward in a different direction.

[peacetoday]

Barb

Unfortunately, there is no way to know what he will do
so It may be a wise plan to take at least 6 months to a year and work on you
Heal , let him go to figure his life out
you get some support and therapy and do the grief work which you have been already doing
journel and find ways to soothe your pain..it is hard for a few months
then the pain lessens, more and more as we let go

so even if you leave things as they are, you let him come and go and your full intent is to heal you
during this grieving time, you can go out, make friends, join groups ect
learn to play a sport or dance or hike ect
and be willing to TRUST the process

trusting is the key-
your life will not let you down you are guided and will be lead if you trust
find faith, god, or whatever may help you in this

remember you are not alone
we have all been there and will support you in your letting go-

[BarbH]

Thanks guys. I'm not asking him. It's not his decision to make. He no longer has sway over my decisions, my decisions are for me. I suspect it would be combination of he thinks I'll wait a year + rehoming animals. This has been so difficult. The hardest part is giving up that picture of what retirement and our future should have looked like, and coming to the realization that it is now an entirely different thing. Scary. I think Job is right and he will continue to check in. I also feel like we aren't done no matter what I'm saying now. I need to detach, detach, detach and keep getting my life.

Thank you all for the support. Part of me feels so badly for him and the mess he has become.

[BarbH]

Funny, after all the "positive" conversation of last week, nothing since I gave him a draft separation agreement.

[peacetoday]

That does not surprise me-
reality sinking in for him
and it may not look good from his angle

MY xh got crazy during the D when he saw I was going to protect my kids and assets
I was fair and within my legal rights
but
it becomes a business deal and my life and the future of my children came before him and his OW

Truth is my XH didnt want any adult responsibilities when in crises and he didnt care about the assets
he only wanted freedom so he exchanged everything including his kids to be free

the OW =freedom to him because he could be himself with her and live a life in replay with drugs/alcohol
gambling with no one to answer to because she was just like him -
12 years later..he is still doing that..miserable addicted and broke-

[job]

I am not at all surprised that you've heard nothing but "crickets" since you gave him the draft separation. Many of them will kick and scream that they want a divorce and when presented w/the paperwork they go silent.

My xh wanted a separation or divorce, whichever one came first, per him. I had the draft papers written up and gave him his copy. He went from a somewhat nice person to a monster after he read the draft papers. Apparently he thought I would roll over and give him everything. I have never seen a person get so nasty and angry just because they were getting what they wanted.

Like Peace's xh, my xh wanted to drink, party and hang out w/his ow. He spent money like water until he ow, who became his wife) was diagnosed w/cancer. While she was in hospice, he had already found his next target.

In my case, my xh will never wake up and grow up. He will continue to self medicate and run. He will never accept responsibility for his actions. I continue to live my life for me and once those divorce papers were stamped, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I have never looked by.

Bottom line, try to live your life as if he may not return. You only have one life...live it the fullest. Life doesn't wait for us...we have to continue moving forward or we will become stuck.

[Hamburg]

Funny, after all the "positive" conversation of last week, nothing since I gave him a draft separation agreement.

This is typical. My W has had several brief moments of "clarity" and each one was self-serving for her. Her behaviors ranged from happiness, sadness, tears, hugging, etc... her gain would be money, stalling divorce so she could have medical insurance, a place to live for free, and so on. She almost compromised our home sale over $500. The realtor said she had never seen such behavior. They will stop at nothing, use people for their own good in order to find their greener pasture. Don't invest in any more emotional conversations. Let him deal with his demons by himself.

[BarbH]

Thank you all. He's coming home tomorrow to discuss the separation agreement he has some "questions' so we will see how that goes. It's a 50/50 split. I keep the farm over the winter, get the work done, probably sell in the spring. He can still come and go from the guest room. Pays half expenses, gets 1/2 the proceeds. I'm now emotionally able to handle this. He's staying overnight with the dog, and I am going away to visit relatives.

My nephews (on his side) stopped in today-and even they said "nobody knows what's going on with him" His big family reunion/fishing derby was last weekend, and he usually is there for 3 days-visiting everyone. He was there about 3 hours, and left. Didn't even visit his nephews and his favourite cousin. So sad. I hope he copes with his 60th birthday in a week okay.

I love him, but I am becoming so incredibly distanced.

[BarbH]

OMG he's coming up today for more separation agreement talk, and I am so incredibly nervous. I don't actually know what is left to talk about, but seriously so much seems to come from left field. I have to remember to not get drawn into "what went wrong" conversations like I did last time. Detach, detach, validate and not give ground. Really, our agreement is a 50/50 split. But he's not going to like the spousal RRSP rollover he's required to give me. Years ago I attempted to start a home based business, which used up my savings. This will be thrown up at me again. Despite the fact we were doing it to have something in retirement for both of us. I will go for walk with neighbour and dog this morning, All this up and downing is killing me. And he sounds so upbeat on the phone.

Wish me luck. Wish me keeping my cool. Wish me standing my ground-in a lovely detached manner. Wish me all these things. Wish me out of this nightmare.