I also had a long chat with my friend who ended up reconciling with his now wife, just getting an understanding of how he dealt with the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm paraphrasing, but he said he came on too strong in the early days and it almost completely killed what little they still had; it was only after giving her some space that it opened the door for them to have really honest discussions about what caused the split.
I'm going to try and keep that lesson in mind.
So DB'ing actually works? Huh.
It did for him, yes.
I keep going back to something that SteveS said: you need to make WAW know that you've had an awakening, and you're prepared to go forward with or without her.
Well, I feel like I'm halfway there, at least as far as that maxim goes. I was doing some reading online earlier, and I saw a recommendation that to help clarify your feelings, it might be helpful to write out both what you want to get out of the S and what you'd want your WAW to say.
Me:
I am using this time to ask myself hard questions, reflect honestly about my role in the separation, and take action towards becoming a better partner. While ultimately it is my goal to reconcile with WAW, I do not want to go back to the relationship as it was as I do not wish to repeat the same hurtful patterns. Instead, I want to put the lessons I am learning into practice by being an emotionally open and fully communicative partner that WAW can trust and depend on. I know there is a lot of work to get there, but I am not giving up on us and I commit towards making myself a more emotionally healthy partner, and commit to taking the time necessary to rebuild the foundation.
Her:
I still have feelings for LBS, but I know that continuing the way we were going was only going to end up in divorce. We weren't communicating well, and we weren't being partners for each other - we were simply roommates. There was an elephant in the room, and the best way I knew to move forward was to separate and try to gain a new perspective on the relationship. I am not giving up on the marriage, nor am I using the time and space to explore other relationships. Instead I am using the time to reflect on how I contributed to the troubles we were having, and to continue with my individual counseling. I do not know if there is a future with Nik and I, but I do not want to give up.
Obviously these are things I'm keeping to myself. But I feel like I've gained a more clarity around what I need to, what works, and what doesn't. One day at a time.
