ADHD, EAs, and MLC are my life

[Max2k10]

Thank you for the tips! I won’t be going dark anytime soon. Especially since she is still living under my roof!

As for questions, they are unstated but you are hitting on some of them in your replies.

I’m a little confused on the MC dissuasion. MWD wrote about how strange it was that most people will divorce without trying it. I have the very concern you stated, but it also is a chance for a carefully selected professional to unpack her messed up emotions and us to work through some of them. We have never had a true bomb drop...just my realization to how far gone she had become. I am being careful to avoid giving her an excuse to separate...but I also think she needs serious help in working through her messed up emotions. She definitely wants to be able to blame me for a breakup if she can...she already is in her mind.

I’ll check over the validation thread...not sure if I read it. My counselor was working on that with me...my natural tendencies as an engineer...one with ADHD impulsiveness...caused me to be very bad with validation, especially in the three years leading up to the miscarriage and in its aftermath (I wanted #3, she waffled).

That’s been my battle plan on the changes since before I read any books on the topic...she’ll eventually realize that they are permanent...and they make me happier too whether or not she rejects them! Early on, I was mostly concerned with keeping them up...now I see that as much easier (discovering her 270hrs on the phone with EA1 over 18mo and her toxic venting txt msgs helped to galvanize my resolve).

When she seems to be in a bad mood...especially if I detect projecting/paranoia, I won’t engage. When she is pleasant/respectful, I will talk with her. Per her request for space, I won’t start relationship talks...but she will sometimes bring them up and I will talk then (about once a week). The key goals in these are to project confidence, openness, and security while learning where she is at and what she is thinking (full understanding that it is a mere snapshot in her turbulent mind).

She doesn’t know that I know about EA2 and EA3...these are not confirmed and she is secretive about it. They may not have any flirtation nor cross the emotional intimacy line, but I suspect that they have. I don’t think she’s capable of seeing them as affairs...she’s in denial about that. To acknowledge it would cause a big conflict between her old self/values and family. Plus, EA1 would hammer her over EA2 and EA3. I’m quite convinced she is fighting a civil war inside herself over it. Her officially stated position is that she should have never gotten married and wishes that she was single. She doesn’t know how to become single without causing destruction...and still defaults to making long term family plans. She has deep emotional issues with me...she described me as having “come back from the dead” when I woke up in February.

Ok on GAL. Happiness makes a person more attractive. I’m generally a happy person.

She’s in Replay right now...I believe...reliving her teenage years!