I've asked her to allow us to spend a weekend alone all summer (our son has been visiting my in-laws), but she ends up making plans with friends, etc.
So this doesn't work. Stop doing that. You should be the one making plans for yourself.
You might even consider outing the inappropriate relationship and blowing this all up. Of course it may force her right into divorcing you, but there are worse things. One of them is looking weak and needy by continuing to pursue her while you know she is staying with the scumbag OM.
Quote
she'll let slip "when I come home", or "once things are better"
I would probably go "apecrazy" if I heard that. You need to lay down the law. When she says things like that and you are still pursuing her all over to do things, she knows she has you firmly in place a Plan B. I'd say "what you are doing is wrong and I never imagined you were capable of such horrible things" and then walk away. You need to take some time and space to calm down and heal from this. That means significantly less communication with her. Develop a new support system. Develop a new friends group. Develop new relationship and people skills. Make yourself a strong person. Always think before acting and keep in mind that doing nothing is often the best course of action. Read the links here and do the work if you are serious.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
