Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[curtis7]

I've said this 100 times if I've said it once........being impulsive will kill your DBing efforts every time.

As MrBSide pointed out, you are contradicting yourself. "I am done....will not tolerate the disrespect of an OM in a MR." Next breath: "Please go to Retrouvaille with me!!!"

As he said, that lost you respect in her eyes.

As another anti-D author (not MWD) states....if more LBHs took a stance of "I am not taking this, you are out of here." with their WAW/WW then more marriages would be saved. Beta behavior will get you D'd almost every time.

Steve, hindsight is 20/20. If I knew at BD and EA/PA discovery what I know now, strong action to not tolerate her behavior would have been taken. Yes, many LBHs are too slow to learn and recognize that their sitch is not unique. For many of us it took too long to accept and see reality for what it is. My MR may not be saved, hopefully others are by learning from my mistakes.

I know what I’m saying is contradictory; however, I view it as having multiple exits on my journey. RetroV could be taken, if that’s passed by, then proceeding with D could be taken. I am okay with whichever she chooses at this point. I am just no longer okay with the affairs while being married to her. That arrangement will either end by her choice or by one of us starting the D.

And this is where your faulty instincts are sending you astray again. DON'T DO THIS. PERIOD. If you've learned nothing from the last week then learn this- you simply cannot trust your instincts, because they are WRONG. LISTEN TO US!!!! Detach. Leave her alone. STOP ALL THE PRESSURE!!! Not only will the answer be "no", but she will wonder at just how sad and pathetic you are that you keep doing this even when she's having an affair right in your face. That is NOT attractive.

I’ve left her alone for months during the physical S and where has that gotten me? Yes, I carry on with my life and make the most of my time with the kids, but time and space has not slowed down her WW or A’s. It seems we are now in a neck and neck race for who takes legal action first.

She is not aware that I know about the affairs. Therefore, from that perspective I don’t believe it looks sad and pathetic. She sees me this whole time as waiting for her to come back, her having all the power to make that decision if she decides that is what she wants. I’m sure it would seem weak to ask her to attend RetroV if I exposed my knowledge of her A’s to her. My goal was to plant a seed. Coach said to remember TEA, Thoughts proceed Emotions and Emotions proceed Actions. Now it’s out there and she can read about the program if she so chooses. The thought has been shared along with how I feel it could help us. This may trigger emotions for her in the future. It may not be something she is willing to partake in at the next session in September, but perhaps somewhere down the road this will strike a chord and be an experience she suggests we try.

Recommendations on where to go from here are appreciated. Since we both have L meetings upcoming and assuming she says no to Retro, do I deliver my D settlement proposal or let her do the work and present hers first? I don’t know how quickly she will move, but the benefit I see in delivering mine first is to accelerate the process, get the horse off property, and break off contact sooner rather than later.