Hello and thank you for all the old posts I’ve been reading on here as a lurker.
The basics of my relationship, at present, are: -I have been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, as were both kids 18 months ago. -my wife suffered a miscarriage in March 2017 which was the spark to set off what I believe to be her MLC -in seeking support after the miscarriage, she went to an older, out of state male friend and it turned into an EA -last summer, she was nearly a WAS but her EA talked her into staying (likely date of Aug 17) -I woke up in February of this year (end of pretense of regular marital relations). I know she said ILYBNILWY, although she might have said it during the prior summer -our kids spilled the beans to my parents -she moved into the guest bedroom in March when I was sick and never returned -checking the phone records on June 1st and then her old (pre-June 2018) cell revealed her EA -I melted down, started the process of being diagnosed for ADHD, and then confronted her about the EA
She has generally wanted to keep up the pretense of a normal marriage to the outside world, but no hand holding etc. she has become obsessed with running and run clubs...skipping some kid activities for running. Two additional EAs likely in progress with younger guys in her run clubs. No desire to work on our marriage, but a recent acknowledgment that we likely need counseling as she feels that things are getting worse and she is willing to go...but she doesn’t want an anti-divorce counselor and seems to hope the counselor would recommend a trial separation. Things are generally peaceful at home...I won’t fight. She is friendly 3-4 days per week and mean 1-2 days per week. She will arrange to do stuff with just me (concerts and events). According to her, she was never in love and we never had a good connection...her old phone says that she did feel that we once had a good connection and she has commented on the sadness of when she realized that she’d lost the loving feelings for me.
I recently finished reading DB. I have also read ADHD Effect on Marriage, Driven to Distraction, After the Affair, Love Languages for Men, and many articles. I am high functioning ADHD, working as an Engineer with a MS degree and only really failing on my PhD...my children’s diagnosis and reading her old text messages was what let to my diagnosis.
Me: 36 W:38 M13 S10 D8 ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?) Sep in House: Mar 2019 EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello and thank you for all the old posts I’ve been reading on here as a lurker.
The basics of my relationship, at present, are: -I have been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, as were both kids 18 months ago. -my wife suffered a miscarriage in March 2017 which was the spark to set off what I believe to be her MLC -in seeking support after the miscarriage, she went to an older, out of state male friend and it turned into an EA -last summer, she was nearly a WAS but her EA talked her into staying (likely date of Aug 17) -I woke up in February of this year (end of pretense of regular marital relations). I know she said ILYBNILWY, although she might have said it during the prior summer -our kids spilled the beans to my parents -she moved into the guest bedroom in March when I was sick and never returned -checking the phone records on June 1st and then her old (pre-June 2018) cell revealed her EA -I melted down, started the process of being diagnosed for ADHD, and then confronted her about the EA
She has generally wanted to keep up the pretense of a normal marriage to the outside world, but no hand holding etc. she has become obsessed with running and run clubs...skipping some kid activities for running. Two additional EAs likely in progress with younger guys in her run clubs. No desire to work on our marriage, but a recent acknowledgment that we likely need counseling as she feels that things are getting worse and she is willing to go...but she doesn’t want an anti-divorce counselor and seems to hope the counselor would recommend a trial separation. Things are generally peaceful at home...I won’t fight. She is friendly 3-4 days per week and mean 1-2 days per week. She will arrange to do stuff with just me (concerts and events). According to her, she was never in love and we never had a good connection...her old phone says that she did feel that we once had a good connection and she has commented on the sadness of when she realized that she’d lost the loving feelings for me.
I recently finished reading DB. I have also read ADHD Effect on Marriage, Driven to Distraction, After the Affair, Love Languages for Men, and many articles. I am high functioning ADHD, working as an Engineer with a MS degree and only really failing on my PhD...my children’s diagnosis and reading her old text messages was what let to my diagnosis.
You made it through a MS with ADHD? I am skeptical of your diagnoses. Sorry, but I would get a second opinion.
Let me let you in on a secret. You said: "Things are generally peaceful at home...I won’t fight. She is friendly 3-4 days per week and mean 1-2 days per week." Her moods have nothing to do with you. NOTHING. When she is friendly it is because EA#2 and EA#3 are going well. She feels fulfilled and hopeful for the future. When one or both of them are rocky (younger guy is out with another woman, or being distant), this makes her unfulfilled and less hopeful, and she takes it out on you. How do I know? Because I've been through it.
My W has had two EAs during our marriage. 2005 and a year and 9 months ago. In both times when they ended she was depressed. Early last year my W gave up a couple of online gaming apps and a singing app she is on. She was very depressed. Laid in our recliner all day everyday asleep. When awake she was very sad. I quickly chalked it up to her missing the games and the singing app. WRONG! She was missing OM. She had sent him nude photos off and on. After he got his rocks off on those, and felt he took things as far as he wanted, he told her he loved his girlfriend and wanted to focus on her. This devastated my W.
Likely I am right about this. But the bottom line is that you shouldn't be worried about HER. Worry about you. Let her go to get her back. The tighter you try to hold on the harder she will try to pull away. Think of her like a cat. When you pick a cat up and hold it, it wants down. But if you let it come to you, it will let you hold it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No desire to work on our marriage, but a recent acknowledgment that we likely need counseling as she feels that things are getting worse and she is willing to go...but she doesn’t want an anti-divorce counselor and seems to hope the counselor would recommend a trial separation.
I'd pass on the marriage counseling. She doesn't want to save the marriage, so this is simply for her to be validated that her choice is OK and she wants you to be told that she is right. Just like you want her to hear it from someone else that you are right about saving it. Don't go, it will be a "crapshow".
Quote
According to her, she was never in love and we never had a good connection...her old phone says that she did feel that we once had a good connection and she has commented on the sadness of when she realized that she’d lost the loving feelings for me.
Just validate her feelings for the time being. This can help her see you in a different light, and there's no sense in arguing about this unless you want to push her away.
Quote
She will arrange to do stuff with just me (concerts and events).
I'd decline 75% of these and have something to do of your own. She may get pissy, but again she is wanting a divorce so why should y'all be hanging out all the time. She needs to see you being strong and moving forward if you want to save this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
About my MS...very high SAT and GRE scores...I have consistently received very high performance grades at work despite feeling that I do a poor job...the technical side of engineering is easy for me, it is the mundane grind that kills me. My MS took far too long because I had to find an external structure which worked...and it is also why I couldn’t complete my PhD despite being fast tracked for that early in grad school. I went through a thorough diagnosis process with a team of specialist after a general doctor suggested that I get evaluated.
I’ve been working hard on emotionally detaching myself from her. I do not think I should go dark, as her issues were partially tied to feeling abandoned by me as I withdrew to my computer every day (I kicked my computer to the curb in June 1st after having tapered my game time since February).
I am generally focused on letting her talk and validate, without arguing. I cannot be needy. She should see that I do not need her. The balancing act of creating distance for her to feel the consequences without going so far as my actions validating her feelings about how cold and distant she perceives me has having been.
I’m dragging my feet on marriage counseling. I’m in the driver’s seat on this having already researched it and having already been seeing a counselor at a clinic in my insurance network. She went to one of those clowns who specializes in absolving women of any doubts/guilt related to their divorces. I only want to go when it is likely to succeed...when she has the right attitude and only to the right counselor. I’m interested in someone with SBT and EFT training and ADHD experience...I have some prospects in this area.
She is living in conflict with her values, and has acknowledged that she is re-evaluating them. She doesn’t believe in such a thing as an EA (easier for her to avoid feeling guilt!).
For GAL, this is a bit of a challenge because I never really lost myself except to video games when withdrawing. I coach both kids in soccer and meet up with some of the guys periodically for beers. I did take a 10d trip with my father back in the spring. I have filled the time I lost to video games with reading and hobbies. She thinks I’m confused about who I am, but I think she’s the one confused about who I am. I am making a point to workout more...both of us have always been in good shape.
Two major issues for years were cleaning the house and discipline for the kids. I did a 180 on discipline techniques back in February. I started making progress on cleaning...more like a 150...in March and have kept it clean all summer.
The EAs are quite confusing to me. The first one is a mixed bag...they thought they were mutually supporting each other in dealing with their crazy spouses (his wife has BPD). I spoke with him on the phone after confronting her. I do believe that both realize that things went to far between them, but neither is willing to end it. Because he is the only long standing friend she regularly talks to now, he is her only perspective on who she was and is likely to provide some accountability (flawed as it is).
EA2 likely started last fall. She met him at run club and invited him to our house to watch a movie. I was very confused because I detected the vibes of attraction between them and she acted both too cold to me and too friendly to him. We met again for lunch around New Years, and we went skiing in February. I talked to her about him a few times...initially it was “he’s the connector/inviter”, then it was “I’m reaching out to him as a Christian”, and then it became “he’s ok because he isn’t a long term viable relationship and therefore is safe to be friends with him”. Ouch to me. On our vacation in July, they exchanged hundreds of txt messages which really annoyed me.
EA3 was mentioned a few times, and he got my attention as something being off. Last time she mentioned him was in June, speculating that he was a closet homosexual...next thing I know, I start seeing lots of txt messages coming from him...especially on our vacation. I took the kids to one of her running events in which she claimed to expect to see two people she knew...didn’t mention him despite him texting her before hand. She had strict instructions about not interfering with her social time with the runners afterward (eye roll). Yeah, they ran together and he disappeared when we greeted her afterward. We then went for ice cream and met her at at a brewery...they were together and ignored each other while the kids and I were there despite friendly introductions with everyone else (none of whom she knew). She was pissed off on the drive down and pissed off afterward. Btw, he is an attorney and his online reviews indicate a history with divorce law. Yeah! He’s also 8 years younger than her.
I have no control over her emotions...nor does she. The EAs play a role in them, but there is more to it than that. I have chosen to ignore them and work hard to avoid be suspicious of her secretive phone activities. These EAs are a symptom of the problems, so I best ignore them and be secure in myself. I don’t know the full nature of the EAs and to pry in this area would only push her away/weaken myself. She would have massive pushback from her parents and EA1 if she were to move on anything with EA3. He would only use her for fun and then discard her...she’s too old for him (30 vs 38) and can’t have more kids, nor has a good job, so she isn’t likely to be a long term catch for him.
Me: 36 W:38 M13 S10 D8 ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?) Sep in House: Mar 2019 EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
Why come to a forum where we preach DBing techniques that work...then buck every single one of them?
GAL. Detach. 180s. It is simple formula. Chasing, pressure and pursuit will land you in divorce court way faster than DBing.
I don’t think I’m bucking them, but I have questions about application. That’s the point in posting the details. I recognize that chasing, pressure, and pursuit will only backfire...that is emotional hurdle #1 which I’ve partially cleared. Emotional detachment is part of the solution to that...choosing not to react to her emotional infidelity despite the pain it causes. The 180s I’ve pulled have really gotten her attention...and also made her mad by challenging her picture of who I am.
GAL is tough because I already had one...I never lost my individuality in marriage. But I do have some areas to grow in this area, but I must balance it with my kids.
Me: 36 W:38 M13 S10 D8 ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?) Sep in House: Mar 2019 EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
Max, going dark is kind of a last-resort-after-the-last-resort move. It's more to help the LBS detach and drop the rope, it's not really a marriage-saving technique. When you're under the same roof you can't really do it, so just read Sandi's rules every day and model your behavior after those.
Quote
I am generally focused on letting her talk and validate, without arguing.
Great! Have you read the validation thread? Just make sure you fully understand what validation is. It's not parroting "yes you are right" to everything she says. I'm not saying you're doing that, but a lot of people do and think they are validating and don't understand why it makes their spouse so angry.
Like Ovr said, skip the MC. She'll just use it as an excuse to force S and/ or D.
Quote
I don’t think I’m bucking them, but I have questions about application.
What are your questions? I didn't see any in your previous posts.
Quote
Emotional detachment is part of the solution to that...choosing not to react to her emotional infidelity despite the pain it causes.
When you say you're choosing not to react, are you two just motoring on like all is fine in your M? Because I wouldn't do that. As long as she is engaging in affairs whether physical or emotional, you should detach and give her time and space and refuse to play house with her. I mean you are under the same roof, but that doesn't mean you should be doing everything together.
Quote
The 180s I’ve pulled have really gotten her attention...and also made her mad by challenging her picture of who I am.
Changes usually do make the WAS mad. That's one of the reasons we say this is a marathon. Stick to your changes and in the long term she'll start to believe them. In the short term she sees them as tricks or "too little too late".
Quote
GAL is tough because I already had one...I never lost my individuality in marriage. But I do have some areas to grow in this area, but I must balance it with my kids.
GAL is mainly to take your mind off of things. It can involve the kids, take them to a movie, or go fly a kite at the park or walk the dog or whatever. Just get out of the house and do something to occupy your mind.
