So this is my first post. I'm struggling a lot right now with my marriage.
I've been married to my wife for almost 7 years, but together for 10. We have one son and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. For the first 8 years of our marriage, everything truly seemed good. We were best friends, enjoyed many of the same activities, had a lot of mutual friends. We were passionate and goofy people.
But about two years ago, my wife started a new job. She began going out with her new co-workers, and withdrawing emotionally. I was never invited to these get-togethers, and felt like I was slowly being cut out of her life.
Last year, I discovered she was having an emotional affair with her boss. Our marriage became hostile, and for a long time she blamed me for the affair. Things continued to escalate until she went to stay with her brother for a "week" in June. She's still there.
My problem is: she goes through these waves where she's truly her old self. We'll go for coffee or take our son to breakfast, and she'll let slip "when I come home", or "once things are better". But then the following day, she's back to cold and calculating. It truly feels like I'm married to two different people, that's how drastic the personality changes are.
She did begin going to counseling to "find herself" in June, but her anger and resentment towards me seems to have grown since then. I know that a lot of times I've come across needy and pleading for reconciliation. It's just so hard because when she's back to her old self, she even looks at me differently, lovingly. I just don't know what to do. I've asked her to allow us to spend a weekend alone all summer (our son has been visiting my in-laws), but she ends up making plans with friends, etc. I really want to save my marriage, but I don't know how to proceed. Any advice would help!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
"We'll go for coffee or take our son to breakfast"
Stop doing those things.
Read Cadet's links. ALL OF THEM. You need to GAL. Be too busy to do ANYTHING with her. Detach. You need to distance yourself from her. She is cake eating like crazy right now. Make sure you understand what detachment is, and work towards it. Finally 180 on any bad behaviors you have. Use this as an opportunity to self improve. Get into IC.
You have to let her go to get her back. Asking her for a weekend alone is a terrible idea right now. You need to be absent from her life right now, not constantly pushing to be in it. Remember, you need to command respect from her. You don't command respect by begging and pleading, and begging for a weekend. In fact, if she were to bring it up (after you start GAL and detaching) your answer should be. "No, I know I offered that but I think it would be a bad idea."
Chasing a WAW doesn't work. Chase other things (hobbies, sports, IC, fun times with friends, being the best dad you can be), and let her do the chasing if she wants to.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks so much for the advice! I think deep down I knew I needed to GAL. One of my biggest struggles is "being alone". I feel like I've definitely lost myself a bit, and am struggling to find who I really am right now. I can definitely admit that there's a lot of 180 action I need to do for myself and to be a better dad overall. I'm definitely going to deep dive into Cadet's links today. I've also already ordered the Divorce Remedy book. I'm going to start looking for IC as well. Thank you
I've asked her to allow us to spend a weekend alone all summer (our son has been visiting my in-laws), but she ends up making plans with friends, etc.
So this doesn't work. Stop doing that. You should be the one making plans for yourself.
You might even consider outing the inappropriate relationship and blowing this all up. Of course it may force her right into divorcing you, but there are worse things. One of them is looking weak and needy by continuing to pursue her while you know she is staying with the scumbag OM.
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she'll let slip "when I come home", or "once things are better"
I would probably go "apecrazy" if I heard that. You need to lay down the law. When she says things like that and you are still pursuing her all over to do things, she knows she has you firmly in place a Plan B. I'd say "what you are doing is wrong and I never imagined you were capable of such horrible things" and then walk away. You need to take some time and space to calm down and heal from this. That means significantly less communication with her. Develop a new support system. Develop a new friends group. Develop new relationship and people skills. Make yourself a strong person. Always think before acting and keep in mind that doing nothing is often the best course of action. Read the links here and do the work if you are serious.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I actually did "out" the inappropriate relationship, which at the time made things worse, but seems to have ended the emotional affair. After discovery and her promises it was over, I caught her and her boss out at a restaurant during lunch, when she had told me she had to "work through lunch". He's a doctor at a medical practice, so immediately backtracked, called the office to let them know I wasn't welcome there anymore, etc. But since then, he's gone radio-silent on her. They still work directly together, but it truly seems it's over.
She's not staying with the OM, as far as I know. She's been staying with her brother (who I have a really close relationship with), and he has even stated he can't believe everything she's done.
Maybe I'm in denial, but I am really trying to believe she's ended it. However, I definitely feel like she's keeping me as option #2. I'm trying to build up my self-confidence, and find new friend groups.
I am definitely serious about recovery and hopefully eventually reconciliation, so will read through all links provided
Hey, TonyS, really sorry to hear about your situation. Mine is a bit different but I will echo what Steve85 said above - GAL GAL GAL and do it for yourself. I can't tell you how much better I feel after having reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and taken on some new hobbies since joining this board. I spent so much time in my head wondering what W would think, how I can show her that I'm a good person worthy of her love and affection, and how that got us nowhere. I'm still in the thick of my sitch so I can't tell you how it ends but I can say that taking all of W's variables out of the equation has really helped me to focus on my daughter and myself, making both of our lives better.
I will also say that setting boundaries is tough because it feels like you are pushing someone away who is already walking away from you, but you will maintain your dignity and gain some respect. If she doesn't respect you then she can't love you, and she can't respect a doormat. So, set boundaries, be assertive (as in, figure out what you want and push for it; don't back down to appease her), GAL, and you will at least see a chance in yourself even if you don't see one in her.
Good luck, brother.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
I am definitely trying to focus on bettering myself. I know it's only day one of a very long road, but I'm trying to stay positive. I've reached out to some old friends, and we are planning on getting together soon. I'm also trying to keep myself crazy busy. I have been going through exactly the same things you listed, wondering how I can show her I'm a worthy person. I know that one of my current problems is I allowed a lot of my self-esteem to be dictated by how she treated me. I know that's something I definitely have to take back and own.
I've begun digging through all the posts Cadet shared, and they're really helpful. It's also making me feel better knowing that others have gone through similar situations, and I'm not totally crazy
Tonight my main struggle is not thinking about what she's doing, or who she's with. The urge to call is strong, but I'm really trying to dedicate myself to going dark. What seems to be helping is I keep setting the timer on my phone for an hour, and stay busy until it goes off, and then switch activities.
Thanks all for your support and kind words. It REALLY is helpful knowing there is a good group of support out there.
Hey man. Sorry you are dealing with this. Read all of the links and take the vets advice. Your marriage is over. She left you and moved in with her brother so she could enjoy her affair. You are her solid plan b. Remove yourself from plan b. Focus on your life. Focus on bettering yourself. Focus on your happiness.
My EXWW did the exact same. Got a new job, started traveling with her boss. Emotionally detached from her family, mistreated me badly and blamed me for everything. She was literally going to move to his home state under the guise of "work needs me to".
Needless to say, my divorce was final May 17th. Five days after our 18th anniversary and seven months from confrontation about the affair. She dumped me a year ago with the ILYBIDLY speech, after she dedicated herself to her boss whos her fathers age.
Its time to get your life in order and be an amazing person for yourself and your kids. Thats all that matters now. Keep your head up. Its a very long rough road.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am going through that exact situation. My wife's boss is also 25 years older than she is. She gave me the ILYBIDLY speech, and has refused to look for a new job.
I've begun getting my life in order, and am trying to focus on becoming the best "me" I can.
Yesterday was tough (first day of no contact/going dark), but am so glad I made it through. I'm scheduled to go to the car dealership Saturday to trade in my SUV for a smaller, less expensive car (really trying to get finances in shape before/in case the divorce is sprung on me).
I also registered to go back to school this Fall, which is something I've been wanting to do for a while. Hopefully day 2 goes easier. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but between the immense sadness and anxiety, I do have sporadic moments of hope for the future. Trying to focus on that
