Hello and thank you for all the old posts I’ve been reading on here as a lurker.
The basics of my relationship, at present, are: -I have been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, as were both kids 18 months ago. -my wife suffered a miscarriage in March 2017 which was the spark to set off what I believe to be her MLC -in seeking support after the miscarriage, she went to an older, out of state male friend and it turned into an EA -last summer, she was nearly a WAS but her EA talked her into staying (likely date of Aug 17) -I woke up in February of this year (end of pretense of regular marital relations). I know she said ILYBNILWY, although she might have said it during the prior summer -our kids spilled the beans to my parents -she moved into the guest bedroom in March when I was sick and never returned -checking the phone records on June 1st and then her old (pre-June 2018) cell revealed her EA -I melted down, started the process of being diagnosed for ADHD, and then confronted her about the EA
She has generally wanted to keep up the pretense of a normal marriage to the outside world, but no hand holding etc. she has become obsessed with running and run clubs...skipping some kid activities for running. Two additional EAs likely in progress with younger guys in her run clubs. No desire to work on our marriage, but a recent acknowledgment that we likely need counseling as she feels that things are getting worse and she is willing to go...but she doesn’t want an anti-divorce counselor and seems to hope the counselor would recommend a trial separation. Things are generally peaceful at home...I won’t fight. She is friendly 3-4 days per week and mean 1-2 days per week. She will arrange to do stuff with just me (concerts and events). According to her, she was never in love and we never had a good connection...her old phone says that she did feel that we once had a good connection and she has commented on the sadness of when she realized that she’d lost the loving feelings for me.
I recently finished reading DB. I have also read ADHD Effect on Marriage, Driven to Distraction, After the Affair, Love Languages for Men, and many articles. I am high functioning ADHD, working as an Engineer with a MS degree and only really failing on my PhD...my children’s diagnosis and reading her old text messages was what let to my diagnosis.
You made it through a MS with ADHD? I am skeptical of your diagnoses. Sorry, but I would get a second opinion.
Let me let you in on a secret. You said: "Things are generally peaceful at home...I won’t fight. She is friendly 3-4 days per week and mean 1-2 days per week." Her moods have nothing to do with you. NOTHING. When she is friendly it is because EA#2 and EA#3 are going well. She feels fulfilled and hopeful for the future. When one or both of them are rocky (younger guy is out with another woman, or being distant), this makes her unfulfilled and less hopeful, and she takes it out on you. How do I know? Because I've been through it.
My W has had two EAs during our marriage. 2005 and a year and 9 months ago. In both times when they ended she was depressed. Early last year my W gave up a couple of online gaming apps and a singing app she is on. She was very depressed. Laid in our recliner all day everyday asleep. When awake she was very sad. I quickly chalked it up to her missing the games and the singing app. WRONG! She was missing OM. She had sent him nude photos off and on. After he got his rocks off on those, and felt he took things as far as he wanted, he told her he loved his girlfriend and wanted to focus on her. This devastated my W.
Likely I am right about this. But the bottom line is that you shouldn't be worried about HER. Worry about you. Let her go to get her back. The tighter you try to hold on the harder she will try to pull away. Think of her like a cat. When you pick a cat up and hold it, it wants down. But if you let it come to you, it will let you hold it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
