ADHD, EAs, and MLC are my life

[Max2k10]

Hello and thank you for all the old posts I’ve been reading on here as a lurker.

The basics of my relationship, at present, are:
-I have been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, as were both kids 18 months ago.
-my wife suffered a miscarriage in March 2017 which was the spark to set off what I believe to be her MLC
-in seeking support after the miscarriage, she went to an older, out of state male friend and it turned into an EA
-last summer, she was nearly a WAS but her EA talked her into staying (likely date of Aug 17)
-I woke up in February of this year (end of pretense of regular marital relations). I know she said ILYBNILWY, although she might have said it during the prior summer
-our kids spilled the beans to my parents
-she moved into the guest bedroom in March when I was sick and never returned
-checking the phone records on June 1st and then her old (pre-June 2018) cell revealed her EA
-I melted down, started the process of being diagnosed for ADHD, and then confronted her about the EA

She has generally wanted to keep up the pretense of a normal marriage to the outside world, but no hand holding etc. she has become obsessed with running and run clubs...skipping some kid activities for running. Two additional EAs likely in progress with younger guys in her run clubs. No desire to work on our marriage, but a recent acknowledgment that we likely need counseling as she feels that things are getting worse and she is willing to go...but she doesn’t want an anti-divorce counselor and seems to hope the counselor would recommend a trial separation. Things are generally peaceful at home...I won’t fight. She is friendly 3-4 days per week and mean 1-2 days per week. She will arrange to do stuff with just me (concerts and events). According to her, she was never in love and we never had a good connection...her old phone says that she did feel that we once had a good connection and she has commented on the sadness of when she realized that she’d lost the loving feelings for me.

I recently finished reading DB. I have also read ADHD Effect on Marriage, Driven to Distraction, After the Affair, Love Languages for Men, and many articles. I am high functioning ADHD, working as an Engineer with a MS degree and only really failing on my PhD...my children’s diagnosis and reading her old text messages was what let to my diagnosis.