I’m gonna try some journaling on here. Read it and respond if you want. My head is very full this morning and this seems like a good outlet. A therapist I liked which I used to have called it word vomit
My wife and I have made a lot of progress there is no doubt about that. But my perspective is skewed. While I’m being happy that she is deciding to sit beside me and be closer to me and talk to me and it looks like I’m her go to person when she needs someone to talk to. It’s hardly a drop in the bucket. Why do LBSs get so excited about the little things. Ooohhh she decided to sit by you when there were other options. BIG FREAKIN DEAL!!! it’s almost pathetic. Like I’ve forgotton what it’s like to have a wife.
But I don’t want to minimize the progress either. I don’t want to ignore the fact that she is not treating me like the enemy any more. I don’t seem to repulse her like I did a couple months ago. She obviously likes being around me and she doesn’t seem to be involved in an A.
It’s amazing how my brain works. When in a bad mood. It zooms in on the bad and blocks all the good things. When I’m in a good mood it’s opposite. Part of me is ok with the limbo I’m in and is thankful she has given Me time and hasn’t walked out the door and I look at that as a good thing. Part of me thinks that until our lease is up she doesn’t have another choice so she is just trying to be cordial until she can split. If that’s the case then than I would rather know now. But maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe it’s all not and she is done but she can change her mind. Maybe I don’t know it yet but I don’t even want her back. Then I feel really guilty for thinking that.
When I look at my own personal progress it’s the same as my view of her. There is some progress. But my perspective is skewed. I’m not all mr melts man. I’ve got some control over myself now. I’m starting to enjoy GAL. I’m starting to be ok with the prospect of living alone. Then it hits me that maybe I’m ok with these things because she haven’t left yet. Maybe I haven’t progressed as much as I thought. I’m starting to enjoy GAL. But deep down. I really don’t want to. I don’t want to go out by myself. I want to come home to my fam. Kiss the wife hug my son play with the dog eat supper and cuddle with the wife on the couch and then wrastle with the boy before bed. My gut still bucks at GAL. then I don’t deny that me actually thinking the things I am shows tremendous improvement
Last night hurt. It did. There is no getting around it. I handled it awesome. I validated like a pro. I’m glad she decided it was me who she was going to get all of her stresses off her chest to. She feels comfortable enough with me to want me to understand why she is frustrated with her job. Which she won’t do to anybody else. I know this cause my wife doesn’t talk about personal things to anyone she doesn’t really trust
But it was our ANNIVERSARY!!!!! She could have at least acknowledged it. We are both the longest relationship the other has had. That hurt. It did. But I didn’t cry. I haven’t and I won’t. It’s more like a dull acceptance. Like a headache that won’t go away. Yesterday our everything in the correct perspective. She is done still if you asked her. She may not be as sure as she was but she is still done. All of the correct feelings I’ve had about DBing about GAL and letting go and not controlling what I can’t. It’s time to put those into full action. Drop the rope. Let her go. Get some game. Get a body. Make a girl smile help a friend. Enjoy myself try a new food don’t be afraid. Enjoy myself take pride in me get some swagger like what I see in the mirror. Flirt with the confidence to back it up. Piece the broken heart
I feel better. Thanks for giving me a place to do it
