Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

LH, it’s been kinda hard the last month with putting all these feelings into words. It’s been a swirl of emotions. I’m trying to balance all the feelings and letting them come and go. I would love to say don’t count me out just yet but I think my feelings are changing about my Wife. I really don’t want to be with someone who will always doubt the relationship and wonder if she could be happier without me.

Nicole, it’s been tough trying to be in the mood to blog for several reasons. Right now I feel confused. Hopefully I’ll get the help I need to figure it out. I’ll update and try not to make it too lengthy.

Since last update I went out to my friends house Friday night. Another close friend came with his woman from out of town. I invited my W and she went with me. So we had me and my friends of over 20 years and our families. Kids are all around the same ages. We ate and drank and laughed. We were up to 3 in the morning carrying on and talking about making plans all together to visit a nearby vineyard. That Saturday we watched Lion King. W wasn’t distant. We hugged and kissed.

This past weekend W and I took our two boys to the beach and we spent two days at a resort. Had fun on the beach all day and at the pool. So from the other weekend to now W slowly over time stopped initiating the kissing. She’ll initiate a hug before work.

A few takeaways is she says she doesn’t know if she can be happy. She feels pressure but doesn’t want to divorce. She wants to work on herself to be stronger and then maybe the marriage but she wants to go at her own pace. She has seen a counselor twice now. We’re still cordial, hugging and kissing sometimes but she said she is scared that if we got intimate we’re going to sweep things under the rug. We still go to church and hold hands. Sometimes we do talk about the R and I believe she is confused and I think I am giving her space by not trying to smother her when I am at the house or by trying to engage in.

I am stil mindful of no pressure, DB, being self differentiated. It’s while being back at the house. On top of this I have to question my stance if I am coming from a place where I am showing respect and command respect back. I don’t want to appease her or placate. I’ve had my fair share of disagreements with her.

I’ve had severe headaches in the last couple weeks. I’ve been tired of the lying and just not sure where I want to be. I question my future happiness with this woman and if I can learn to trust her again.

As for me, I’m hitting the gym early in the mornings and coming home to spend time with the family. I told my wife if she is unhappy with me and she’s getting some professional help, that over time if she is still unhappy I will not stand in her way of divorcing but at the same time I need to see traction and some sort of transparency. I will not tolerate if she is seeing someone else. I told her we can cut ties and I told her that lately divorce has been on my mind too and it’s a scary thought so I will be seeking professional help to sort that out. I told her I was coming to her to let her know because I felt it was the right thing to do. I told her if I leave for the apartments again it will be for good, there won’t be any going back to think about things or to cool off. I’d have made up my mind and will be serving the papers. It’s not a threat. I think one year into it now my feelings for the most part are settled.

I believe I am doing what she should have done when she felt like she had one foot out the door and that was discuss it.

Here we are. We had gotten our older son a phone and we will be setting up some type of family sharing which wife said she has no problems with.

I still struggle a little with being patient and not feeling like w is still cake eating. If she did tell me there was someone else or she wanted to date I would have left her by now. If she said something happened In the past and asked for forgiveness then I could work on that.


I’m in the process of trying to sort out what I want and if I want that with my wife. I am looking at different therapists and watching videos on what’s best...so far I may focus on a marriage counselor with the John gottman experience.

Any pointers or words of advice?