MC really threw me for a loop today. I need to take this as a lesson and absorb it. I'm a bit of a mess. I'm frustrated with myself.
I am sucked back into my old patterns of thinking. This is a lesson in letting go of outcomes. In this case, MC outcomes.
We continue to cover kid safety heavily in MC. Anytime my W brings up a topic, it is kid safety. We repeat discussions we have had outside of MC, items I thought we closed. I am not diminishing the importance of the safety of our children. But I do feel put under the microscope. Any parenting mistake I make is dissected and analyzed. These are not mind-blowing mistakes. The details are unimportant.
I'm not supposed to do this, but I do wonder what my W is really thinking with respect to MC. I can't understand what is going on. Mostly I wonder if she thinks she is being the bigger person, that rather than filing for D and full custody which would damage the kids, she is giving me the "gift" of proving my worth as a father, and then she will file and we will have some amicable happy family D. I could be completely off-base. I have no clue what she is thinking. I know that I can withstand this kind of pressure for only so long - I'm trying to make it through for awhile so we have established regular timesharing with the kids.
The old patterns of thinking haunt me. I feel attacked, accused. I feel like my feelings are treated as less important than my W's. I feel like my concerns are secondary to hers. I feel like my wife only values my money, and the fact I am the father of our kids... everything else annoys her. I feel like she is very controlling. I feel betrayed, hurt, small.
I do stand up in MC when I can. I said today that regardless of how much negative feedback I get, I will continue to be positive and work to be a better person and a better father for myself. My W at that point started giving me positive feedback... "so glad you took them on that trip, you all deserved it, I really mean that". Her earnestness rang hollow for me. I don't even know if she meant it. She just never talks that way, and I felt like it was pried out of her. After the session she was her normal self, we had some brief banal discussion about swapping a weekend to accommodate her t which point I said "Not sure, I have plans that weekend"
This post is a mess and I am a mess of swirling thoughts. Not as bad as I would have been a month ago, but I recognize I need to work on myself here.
Big picture I feel kind of stuck going to MC for the moment. I need a better gameplan. I should assume my W will have some to sort of parenting issue to bring up, that I will be under the microscope, and prepare accordingly. Stop playing the victim, but also don't be dismissive of her concerns.
I wish I could see a year into the future right now. I know it will be better than the present moment.
