Leo, try not to struggle to make sense of it, because it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. My XW had an OM that was a good 15 years younger, had a great job and a nice house. His wife left him and he was sad and depressed and in swooped my XW to save the day. I think she just wanted to feel "needed". I thought we had a healthy marriage because I had my independence and gave her hers as well, and we came together as a family too but in the end the lure of caring for someone needy was too great for her. I was helping XW run an errand over the weekend and she mentioned OM and I asked how he was doing (she had told me before he struggled with mental health issues). She rolled her eyes and said he has completely fallen apart. Lost his job, too depressed to find another, doesn't take care of himself or his house anymore, blah blah blah. What I am saying is your W is attracted to OM for all the wrong reasons. He's in an affair with a married woman, what does that say about him? And she is married and having an affair, what does that say about her. They're both train wrecks and two train wrecks do not come together and form a wholesome relationship.
Detach. Leave her to the mess she's making. Focus on being the best Leo possible.
Lying cheaters will tell small bits of truth to cover a bigger lie. She got caught so she's offering a snippet of truth to try and throw you off the trail. You are correct, they are not just cuddling. This isn't a question of respect though. She can behave like this and still respect you. In fact her respect for you probably makes her feel like trash. So don't try to throw her under the bus, because she'll do that to herself and will feel way worse because of it.
I'd like to think we had a healthy marriage for the most part. Every couple argue and have moments, the reason she told me the ILYBNILWY was because she said I neglected her emotionally so long that she lost feelings for me. I tried talking some sense into her before this OM came in the picture but no luck. She said she is over it and doesn't want to try. Like you mention, I think its because this OM, gave her the attention she is wanting that she fell head over heels for him. Yes, I agree they both are train wrecks. I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I don't want this train wreck to last - I want her to feel the pain that I am going through. When I confronted her about this OM, she denied it for a while until she told confessed and than mentioned I can't help that I have feelings for him. Like you mentioned though, he is messing with a married woman and that says a lot about him. I told her that he is probably just trying to get in your pants, that he is probably feeling a sense of accomplishment for being able to do so as a single guy. But she wouldn't listen and said he is different.
I am trying to detach. I was doing pretty good until this PA came into light because I never ever thought in a million years she would do this to me, even if we are going through the D that was the last thing in my head. I guess I kind of had a sense but didn't want to believe it at the moment.
