WW wants to reconcile (thread 3)

[oops13]

Tough times right now. Most of today was okay. I worked out and got a little bit of work done. I'm eating healthy.

But I'm sitting here at work with tears welling up in my eyes and considering going to the bathroom to cry. I just cant believe it still. I need to move on and live, I know, but this will never fully heal. I was always such a miserable person before, I don't want to go back to that. I want to be whole. I've never been whole before. I don't even know what it feels like.

I miss my best friend. I miss my so-called companion for life. I know I have to carry on, I sort of know how, but the emotions are honestly crushing me. I'm trying to go through the motions and practice what I preach, but I don't look forward to anything from the other side. Dating and pretending not to be boring and average is unappealing to me. I miss having someone I could just sit on the couch with.

I know she and I are done. I'm really having trouble accepting it and fear the wounds will keep me messed up forever. I have so much trauma and bad stuff in my brain that's been with me for life. I can't go back to that. I don't want to be a cloud of negativity. I don't want to be without a wife I can trust.

No point to this post, just gushing so I don't IRL.