I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed as of last night. Lots going on right now.
But first and foremost, I had an awesome weekend trip with the kids, memories that will last a lifetime. I thought I would be more stressed out taking 3 kids around an amusement park for 2 days by myself, but actually being a single parent left me entirely in control of the plans, etc. and the kids were amazing. There were a few issues with my W along the way, which I will post about tonight. I had some DB successes and some DB fails in there.
We are setting up a financial consulting appointment next week with a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst). As brief background, this was my W's idea initially, and I am fully supportive. W has stated she thought this would be good for "budgeting." As with most DB issues, I've learned to let go of trying to figure out her motives.
It was a bit of a gut punch to receive the initial documents to fill out: full disclosures of assets and expenses in preparation of D. I'm not sure if we D if I would agree to a joint advisor, although I'm not sure I wouldn't agree either. I am only interested in what's fair to both of us.
Those of you who have followed me since the beginning know I used to make a lot of lists. For this item, I see mostly positives
Pros:
+ W and I both have clear exposure to the cost of the physical separation + W and I both have clear picture of a post-D life and how we would need to adjust lifestyle + Elimination of any implication of unfairness or hiding things
Cons:
- Feels a little like a push towards D (or financial separation).
Heck, I'm not even that concerned about the outcome of this consultation... now that is DB progress! I assume the CDFA will guide us towards a financial separation. My W seems to think this is a "budget" exercise, although I'm not sure for what purpose - are we going to buy generic brand Mac&Cheese for the kids now?
On a separate note, we have MC later today. Last week was my turn to talk about issues I saw in our MR. Given some of the conflict this week I'm sure we will have plenty to discuss today. I'm not going into MC today with any agenda on my part, just planning to fully participate and see where things go.
And finally, in the back of my mind, I still have that little voice talking to me, wondering what is the point of whatever you call this? Standing? Can we ever piece together a loving MR again? All while parenting 3 young kids? I have my serious doubts.
Sometimes I think I'm not the lighthouse, and it's not my W wandering outside. Maybe my kids are the lighthouse, and I'm the one wandering outside, and periodically I have to look up and see that light. I'm not saying that I'm doing this because it is "best for the kids." But at the same time... I am not at a point where I feel comfortable moving on, where I could look my kids in the eye and feel like I was living up to the values I would like to pass onto them. I wish I could just know at what point living in accordance with my values is going to mean changing direction (if ever).
