Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5)

[LB55]

When we speak in person we are much more reasonable and for me anyway, im able to hear her much better without forming my own opinions on her statements. I'm hopeful that we can keep this going, it is healthy either way for us to be able to communicate.

The bold part reminds me of the movie heartbreak ridge when Clint Eastwood keeps coming out in a different colored t-shirt each day and the platoon can't figure out how to match him in order to not have to run.

Oh definitely, I agree. One of my goals is to try and reestablish verbal communication (Yes that's how bad it is right now).
I have difficulty reading the context of a message on a good day. She has completely withdrawn into the internet world, and has assigned me the role of "bad person". It is so bizarre, so alien, so completely against her character from the first 18 yrs I knew her.

In order to have any sort of communication I have had to completely alter the way I respond. Out of curiosity...Did you have any success with electronic comms? Anything would help.

I have had middling success in electronic communications. As long as she is still angry I don't think they can be successful but when they are angry everything will be misinterpreted and turned around to fit the narrative. I had a successful email yesterday strictly about business and days needing to change for me having the kids based on work. I backed it up with a phone call later in the evening to make sure we were on the same page. You've said that isn't possible right now; keep it in your toolbox of ideas for later. Similar for text message, although we don't text too much. Its mostly about business too, although she has occasionally opened up about past hurts via text; this was tough for me because I really wanted to hide behind the text and shoot hurtful things back instead of listening and hearing what she has to say.

It's very tough for me to evaluate this. She didn't leave exactly, I was deployed and restrained from returning home. This isn't a normal situation of one spouse moving out and then realizing that home is better than some crappy apt. I'm the one in the crappy apt and she has the nice home. Nothing has changed for her outside of 'her problems have left the house'. It's something I struggle with daily; is it possible to miss me when life I so comfortable right now??

I'm definitely taking it slow. Its been almost 8 months since she filed for D. We haven't even split up our household items yet. I've thought about pushing the timeline and forcing her hand. I think she needs to feel in control even if she isn't. I don't know if that is the right answer, but forcing her hand with other things hasn't worked yet so I'm not doing it anymore. It just leads to both of us being stressed out and angry.

Yeah that really [censored], man. I can't relate bc I was single when I was deployed, but it was so nice to finally get home and have a place to go to after 7 months. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I'm in a weird position too - we are still in the same house but she has shut down. The house is no longer a safe space. My GAL has helped but sometimes you just want to veg in your own space. The loss of comfort there is a big one - and it's such a small house that detachment and space are hard to give unless I spend all day away. I have done it - ive made it so that we are ships passing occasionally by reverting to my Navy kind of living from 2 decades ago but it's not easy.

As far as pushing timelines- on my end that has failed miserably. So I've also stopped, same as you. I'm currently reevaluating how to.proceed with this. Having 2 separate plans for 2 separate outcomes and trying to align them without going batshit crazy lol.

It does stink, but its just the way it is. If we are separated we want to be in the same house because it might work better; if we are IHS, we want our own place. Grass is always greener.

I'm sorry she has shut down on you, that must be really tough to deal with on a daily basis. I totally understand reverting to living on the ship...13 years of sea duty...I lived on the ship for the whole year I was gone...man that gets tough. Why do you allow her to make you uncomfortable in your own home? If you think back to your ship time...if your peer walked into the berthing lounge and told you to get up so they could take your seat on the couch, would you have done that? Set up shop and relax how you want to. If she doesn't like it she can go somewhere else.

Yeah the pushing timelines really didn't work at all. She would really dig in her heels everytime i tried. I used to have 7 different plans for 18 different options and try to plan out how everything would work depending on which scenario played out. Makes me super prepared for anything. Also makes me one controlling SOB. I've stopped this behavior of trying to plan for multiple outcomes for the most part. Live in the moment more. Its helping me to let go of the outcomes a little bit.