Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[MrBrside]

Curtis,

Your WW is acting on emotion. The respect for you is gone and her desire for the marriage is no longer there.

Your WW is throwing your crumbs, but you are so desperate to make this work, you see them as a 4 course meal.

You spent hours looking at old sitchs and preparing a speech to the WW. The problem is that you cherry picked the scenarios that saw a positive impact but ignored the factors involved ( ie timings / factors differed from yours etc ) , which would mean this wouldn’t work in your sitch.

Your keep saying your need to fight for the marriage. You are fighting but losing 2 other things.. Respect and your day to day life. Life is short, so make the most of it. GAL, move on and focus on you / your new family. It is clear from the posts you refuse to drop the rope. You have mentioned in numerous posts about fighting for the marriage. If you need to prove it to your kids, print these forum posts off.. They show you were 100% committed. Nobody can expect you to carry on forever.

You mention your son wanting you to fight for the marriage. So let me ask you this question. If your son was being bullied at school - What would you tell your son to do ? I suspect your would tell your son to stand up for himself.. Bullies generally back away when challenged.. They lose their control and actually ( in a weird way ) respect their victim. Your wife is effectively bullying you, yet you let it happen... That’s like the child who hangs around with the bully hoping that if he takes enough abuse, the bully will start to like him and find somebody else to pickup. But they will always be seen as weak by the bully – and there is certainly no respect, by the bully or the others that see it. You are in danger of becoming that child how hangs around with a bully just to try and be accepted… Your WW / kids will see this – But do you think it gains their respect ?

You think your WW is coming out of the fog because of a few crumbs. I think you are overlooking all the negatives, just to cling onto hope with one or two positives.

One thing I think is often overlooked in a lot of sitchs is also the OW – or divorced female friend / generally female friends. Women are more influenced by their friends than males are. Her divorced female friend has a massive influence on her thoughts and emotions. Divorced female friend will be acting in her own best interests, keeping her new GGW buddy available. Do you really think divorced female friend is fighting for your corner / your marriage. Your WW is not only fighting her own demons, but she has this little devil is sitting on her shoulder whispering nasties in her ear.

I saw this in my personal sitch – I discovered EA1 exactly a year today ( time flies ) – On the night in question ( i.e. last night 1 year ago ) her best mate encouraged her to stay out with EA1, instead of catching her taxi and even text her “Shag him”. Once I discovered EA1 my WW was distraught and spent 4 days trying to do everything to reconcile. She requested copies of the messages she sent to her mate ( they were deleted off her phone ) to prove there was no physical contact, stopped replying to the guy and allowed me to run a deleted message scan on her phone. She wanted counselling and was generally upset about her actions. Four days later she went with a drink with her best mate.. She came home with a different attitude. After a 2 hour chat with her mate, the EA1 was my fault because I was making her unhappy, EA1 wasn’t an affair at all and I was just jealous / controlling etc.. I should have walked away then, as although we had a good few months after this before EA2, it showed she wasn’t prepared to accept any responsibility..

My point being its not only the OM who is the problem. So even if your WW has ceased contact with OM, until she breaks away from the influence of the best mate, she will never be 100% committed ( IMO )

Finally..

I keep going on about emotion, and how it impacts on rational thought.

Your wife has thrown away her good life, future, kids, stability, you etc – because she is acting on emotion. Something happened that made her snap - In her broken world, 2 + 2 = 5 – I think you accept this, but you think you can fix it.. If this board has taught me anything, its that you can’t fix.. Or even influence them, as they are working on emotion, not rational. Your WW is broken.. You cant fix her and she doesn’t want to listen to anything you say..

But then lets come to you..

You are fortunate enough to have some excellent feed back / advice on here from the best – the Vets.. Sandi, Anotherstander, Steve85 etc

Rational people look at their feedback / advice to you and think “bang on, great advice, makes sense” .. etc

We all agree your wife is acting on emotion.. But from your replies, YOU ARE as well. All your posts show you are acting on emotion. You ask for advice, but refuse to drop the rope or follow the advice. You are hanging on thinking that you know best / your sitch is different / you can nice your wife back… or trying to justify her actions etc .… You are acting on your emotion. In the same way your WW wont listen to your advise / want to be fixed, your emotion ( I know DB is counterintuitive ) is stopping you following advice and actually moving forward or making rational decisions – and it’s been said a 1000s times.. The best way to get them back, is let them go.