Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5)

[LB55]

As I read my thoughts from above I can see how thinking along those lines is possibly a temp check to keep me on the line as plan B. If I tell her My goal is to rebuild the marriage from scratch, she knows I’ll be around as long as needed; essentially stuck under her thumb. If I don’t tell her what I want, then I’m back to being a NGS dude that doesn’t tell others his wants and needs and is angry because I never get what I want. We haven’t been the best communicators; what if she is just waiting for me to be the alpha and tell her what I want? It’s quite tricky sometimes to navigate this minefield. I could talk myself in circles for hours on this topic. Risk and reward...nothing risked yields nothing in return. I’ll let this play out for a while and see if she shows any further signs of interest.

My goal has wavered at times but I’m still committed to a rebuild attempt. This is like a wildfire that destroyed my whole home and property. There were plenty of issues I didn’t like about my home, things I couldn’t change about it, and things I’d like to change about the home. It’s now in ashes and I’m sad. I remember all the good times, the holiday dinners, and the pictures that were lost. I have a couple choices here...decide the risk of wildfire is too much to deal with and sell my land and move somewhere safer, or rebuild exactly how I want it and keep the property safer in the future by doing regular maintenance on the grounds and home. Everywhere has risks, there is no safe place to live with 100% certainty of outcome. Very much like marriage...I could quit and push the D through, move on to someone new, and have plenty of risk; just different risks from a different person. I could really enjoy my new place or despise it shortly after moving there. Or I could rebuild myself and potentially my marriage the right way with the known risks while taking precautions and doing the upkeep that a marriage requires. Choices in life are hard. Right now I’m choosing to work on myself and be ready to rebuild if that opportunity is presented. Today...I stand for my marriage and my W. Tomorrow...well that will be for tomorrow. Sometimes my analogies only make sense to me.

The advice is to let her pursue, hold her feet to the fire for her actions, show true remorse, beg me to come back, etc. I’m actively re-reading DR now that I’m seeing myself in a different light and not in a deep dark hole. It discusses not missing the small signs of change. I’ve seen a few just in the past couple days in her attitude towards me and in our communications. Letting me take my son today on her day was a big positive and I thanked her in person for that. Doesn’t mean squat for our relationship; it means the world to me and S11. It was the first non-selfish behavior I’ve seen From her in this whole situation. Previously if I had asked for today it would have been “no we have plans” and I’d find out they spent the day on the tablets at home or “yes he can go but you need to give up a weekend to make up for me not getting my required time with them.” The tit for tat behavior was missing this time. It was nice.

I’m going to keep reading throughout the week and see what I glean from it.