Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Gerda]

Look at this, dispassionately. From within your intellectual car. Rationalize this. See it without all the emotion and fear.

“there is no way around that consequence of MLC” - really? Is that what you believe is in my future?

Although I do not consider myself an old timer. Why do you think I post? Am I stuck?

I owe you much more than this short reply. But I don't think of you this way. You are some kind of superhero, complete with green cape. And I am sorry to say but compared to me you are a Baby LBS-er! You have been here for two years. I am on year seven. I have been through so many stages with this, though as you have noted, I mostly only post when I am in the darkest place.

And it may not seem that way but at this point I am personally totally detached, as far as my R wit H. I never think about missing H, for example, or think about wanting him to love me, for the first four years, I longed for him so deeply. I enjoy my work life and my creative work and I even started walking with a little more girlish strut in my step as I realize I am not completely dead yet. I even have a meeting with a new agent (I don't want to say too much but I have an agent for one of my creative works and this would be another area so I would have two!).

For me it is only the family side of things. It's not wanting to be a single mom with no extended family. The loneliness is killing me. I really and truly do try to find community in other places, and I do have some. But it's not the same as what you often write about with these glorious times with your family and parents, etc. It's not how I grew up, even after my parents' divorce, with tons of extended family around all the time. We almost never even hang out with my brother, and he lives in my city but is always too busy with his life and has very different values. I do find some happy moments with my kids and try to show them the best life I can. But mostly it's extremely hard and I am always struggling financially in an almost dangerous way. My kids and I are almost always alone and very lonely, we have a few friends and family that appear once in a while.

But I hear you, just keep looking for ways to do/be something positive instead of fighting a negative space/definition. You'll be glad to know we are leaving for ten days for my favorite place.

But -- I've been at it for seven years, my darlin, and I am really really tired. Attention from men has been confusing for me of late, another thing I will not go too deeply into now but I can tell that I am adjusting my ideas to what is in front of me instead of what following what I believe.

I will write more later.... Thank you for always being there for me.