Not struggling quite as much

[Jim1234]

Jim your sitch is fairly unique as I don't think your W has been with anyone since your separation correct? From that aspect I don't think you have to process any infidelity concerns.

I guess the question is whether or not you want to potentially go back to the same R or if your W can do the work to make the necessary changes to build a better R.

There was never any infidelity so I have that going for me. I just don't know if W is REALLY interested in doing the work to build a better R.

I have to admit there's a part of me that would want to just because it would kind of feel like "victory" if that makes sense. Like saving the M is the goal rather than getting back together with W. Does it feel that way to you at all?

It doesn't feel so much like "victory" as "vindication". I wasn't the greatest husband, but I evidently, I wasn't SO bad that she doesn't now want to get together. And that feels pretty good, I have to admit. I'm really trying to evaluate whether I'm tempted to reconcile so I don't feel like my marriage, and by extension, me, was a failure, or because I really want to reconcile.

But if I write out a ledger of pros and cons my R with my GF definitely has a much longer list of pros. Still though, very difficult decision indeed.

I guess it depends on whether I'm writing the list from the perspective of the first 2/3rds of our marriage, when things were wonderful, or the last 1/3rd when she had her medical issues and depression.

Had you and your girlfriend previously discussed what would happen under this scenario? She's also going through a divorce too, right? I'm sure she's sympathetic. Is she a 'serious' girlfriend, like someone who you fell totally in love with before your wife wanted to reconcile and were you considering spending the rest-of-your-life with your girlfriend? And do you believe your girlfriend has the same feelings towards you? If so, and if your girlfriend makes you happy, then it's such a tough choice. Your situation is a little different than many of ours here because your wife wasn't having an affair and she seems to have a legitimate mental illness. That also makes it a tough choice! Then there's the whole "for better or worse" aspect of marriage. And your kids and everything that you invested into your family over the years. The thing is, you and your girlfriend must not have been together for so long (I don't remember how long). Every relationship starts out great and then over the years there are bound to be some problems. So then there's the realistic view of potentially ending up stuck-in-a-rut with your girlfriend in the long-term. And then there's your wife potentially always being in your life through your kids.

I do envy you though, because now you're the empowered one who gets to decide rather than being the one who was tossed aside. I hope whatever happens you end up moving beyond this difficult time in your life and you end up with a loving companion!

I believed this day would never come, so when this would come up, I would sweep it under the rug. Her divorce is just about finished, and she's very sympathetic. I like her, and enjoy her company, but I think I was not detached enough from W to give her the level of effort she deserved. Does that make her "Ms Right Now" instead of "Ms Right"? I don't know. Bluntly, if she dumped me, I'd miss her, but not be heartbroken, and maybe that's the answer I need.

Right now I'm leaning towards telling GF that I can't give her the all-in kind of relationship she deserves until I no longer want to reconcile with my W and I need time to resolve that, and tell W that she is not ready to reconcile until she does some of the work we've all discussed in this thread, and just take a break from having any romantic relationship for a while.

I expressed the ideas in the previous paragraph to an associate yesterday, and he asked, "OK, but what's your exit strategy? How long do you give W to string you along before you decide it's never going to happen? Will you give even more years to her, hoping she'll come around?" I can totally see myself seeing the smallest glimmer of improvement and think "aha! She's finally coming around!" until years have gone by.