I haven’t been on this board for quite some time. It’s been a roller coaster this month. A couple of days after my last post, H and I got into a small argument after we put D3 to bed. He was doing his thing in which he knows he being an obstinate jerk, and throws a tantrum when I call him on it. His behavior was so ridiculous I calmly asked him to leave. When he was gone I texted him that I couldn’t deal with that kind of stuff from him anymore, and that we need to be able to have reasonable conversations. He texted back “I’m a piece of [censored] ok? You should be thanking me for leaving”. I didn’t respond. 3 days later, I was served with divorce papers. The papers had been filed a month before he served me.
The first week or two I was fine. I was sad, but I was ready and I felt strong and I even felt somewhat relieved. Since then I had to file my response to his filing (within 30 days in CA) and I’ve felt a major shift backwards since then. It obviously made it feel very real, and Ive found myself considering starting to try DB strategies again. I’m embarrassed to even be saying that. I’m not naïve enough to have thought that these types of emotions wouldn’t come up again. I can say that I have to completely gone backwards; my feelings about H and my marriage are much more conflicted, the rose colored glasses are off, and I am definitely in a much stronger place then I was a few months ago. But I am struggling. I am having a very hard time accepting the idea of ending my marriage without my H having put in any effort to see if it could be saved first. It goes against all my principles. I know I can’t control him and he is not the same kind of person as me. I’m also having a lot of anxiety and general upset feeling like I pushed him to file. I have to be fair with myself, it was a year of limbo and his saying he had no desire to reconcile, but also taking no action, then finding out he’d been dating someone since 2 months after he left. I felt I’d waited long enough and he needed to take action, so I pushed. I can’t help but feel something like regret about that now. I’m feeling heartbroken nonetheless, and I can’t help but be drawn to the idea of “trying” again. Please help!
