Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5)

[LB55]

Your concern is valid R2C. Ordinarily I’d never tell her my goals for R(goes against every rule in the book); however when she asked me what my goals about our future were I feel she deserves an answer. I know her well enough to know this question won’t just disappear off the face of the planet.

These were her words to me on this “ultimately we need to have the conversation about goals before we embark on this new journey; we need to know that before we start spending time together as a family”

My NGS would tell me to wait forever and see if she tells me her goals first so I can align with those to make her happy. That won’t get me what I want nor will it make me happy. I may crash and burn; I already don’t have a marriage outside of a piece of paper so what is there to lose?

I told her I would have to think about it. She gave me time to do that. I can’t think forever or I just look indecisive, weak, and unable to make a decision. She has practically begged me to be more decisive in the past; my NGS would always kick in and default to “I don’t know” followed by never telling her what I wanted or “whatever you want” most times. I figure I’ve got a week or two to mull this over.

I clarified the scared to be around me thing yesterday too. She is not scared of me physically or of being around me...it is more a matter of uncertainty about how it would go. Her brain works overtime creating crazy scenarios that never actually happen. How the conversation would go. Would we be able to talk without poking each other about past hurts? Would we be able to walk away if needed? That kind of stuff.

We have agreed to talk more on the phone as we move forward. The voice inflection is necessary for both of us to help with intent of the message. I’ll just record the conversation to back me up legally.

I also told her after deliberating yesterday that I won’t be meeting her dad to divide our household stuff today. It is our mess to clean up, we need to work together to do that, and using him to avoid dealing with our issues isn’t going to work for me. He isn’t comfortable with it and neither am I. I gave her a couple proposals for how we could do it. We I’ll see how she responds.