Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[curtis7]

You don't understand why she can't see the obvious, but you think you can open her eyes? Curtis, your simple solutions involve talking her back. In reality, those type solutions are pursuit. And pursuit doesn't work. It is applying emotional pressure to her. That pressure makes her run. We have told you this from the beginning, but you haven't accepted it. You still want to do what doesn't work.

I have been told from the beginning and I’ve taken it to heart. I recognize I want to do what doesn’t work, but I’ve refrained from doing what doesn't work for a while now. I am a fixer and have a desire to step in and help her; however, I know she needs to fix herself, on her own if there is any chance of lasting R.

What newfound motivation? Are you referring to her wanting to cut the pasture and take the kids to camp? That won't last. She's reacting to emotions.

Perhaps it won’t last. Experience with other stories says it won’t. Only time will tell. I can sense that she is thinking differently, but I’m not going to get my hopes up too high until if and when she shows true remorse and consistent actions that prove her commitment to me.

Look, you have been scared to death you'll lose her since day one. You just find a new color paper to wrap up your excuses for not following DB. Detach, GAL, & 180. DBing is not what scares her off.

Actually, I’m not so scared to lose her anymore. Haven’t been since my amazing vacation with the kids in June. Detachment is a work in progress, but GAL and 180s are going well. I know I’ll be just fine on my own. I also know that I will meet someone else if this ends in D. After all, I am AMOAFWL.

And next week or next month it will be something else. IMHO, this would have been an opportunity for her to see that the H she fired is no longer available to hear her sob over not being there when her BFF needed her. But you can't do it, can you? You would see that action as being cruel. In fact, you see any tough love as cruel. This is why you end up enabling her, and why the cycle continues.

You make a valid point. I do see some aspects of tough love as being cruel. I feel like I missed several opportunities earlier in my sitch to apply tough love. Now I’ve backed myself into a corner and it’s either too late or would be ineffective to apply tough love. For example, I did pack her remaining clothes and place them in the garage in early May after I tried to enforce the no open marriage boundary. It was too late as she had already moved out.

She comes over and leaves our kids in the house while she’s out doing chores or taking her horse for a ride. It’s a great setup for her. She really hasn’t felt what life without me is like and I have to constantly see her when she comes around on a daily basis. That’s why I wanted to finally get rid of the horse to stop the emotional triggers of seeing her and really start moving on with my life.

So why didn't you? This is an example of what I mean by you enabling her and the cycle continuing. Your life becomes more complicated b/c you don't have effective personal boundaries. You are at her mercy, as long as you continue to enable her. She won't do the necessary work, b/c she doesn't have to, when you are there to enable her.

I didn’t because of the tragic death of her friend’s H and W’s change in behavior in response. I have decided to trust my gut on this one for a little while and observe how it plays out. It is an excuse and it’s certainly not the first I’ve used. I’m not going to get involved or pursue, but rather sit back and see if she starts pursuing me. If it doesn’t amount to anything in the next few weeks, I haven’t lost much, only additional time being married. Then I plan to continue down my path of moving forward without her.