Now what?

[BarbH]

Thank kml-just got back from my nightly anti-anxiety dog walk. I don't know why but I'm good all day (it is truly amazing what I'm getting done around here) and then in the evening-bang anxiety attacks. Thank goodness I have the dog! This is actually the thing that makes me really think this is MLC, he's even ignoring his dog.

I just photo'd all the "toys" boat, rv, two tractors, shop equipment, snowmobile, even the manure spreader. And then close up shots of all his radio equipment-showing manufacturers and model #. I'll upload to my cloud account so it's never lost.

When he had his moment of clarity last weekend and we talked about what reconciliation and retirement might look like-he said "this place is just too much work" and I said fine, then we should sell and move closer to your family. He said "we should have sold 10 years ago" however, it had never, ever come up in conversation. Then I said "Even if you said right now you were coming back, I wouldn't believe it because it will change tomorrow". He said "Yes, probably."

So you know, I believe that he's confused. I appreciate the 3-4 days of pleasantness and some of what sounded like actual honesty. But then, of course, it disappeared again.

I am not moving out. If I refi-and the debts are paid, then I know that if he reneges on the agreement I can carry the mortgage. A year gives me enough time to purge, pack, paint, redo the bathroom and sort out the animals. It's been such a horrendous 2 months with my mother passing on top of everything else that I just can't cope with selling right now.

Thank goodness for excellent neighbours in our little community here. Everyone knows now that I'm essentially on my own. I can phone anyone for help. Neighbour just volunteered her husband to do my electrical for the torn apart bathroom, and another neighbour is doing framing and drywall. Electrician is rounding up a plumber buddy too.

I know I can do this. I just thought we'd be doing it together.