How To Treat Spouse With Children 2

[sandi2]

I think I was saying those things to her because I thought we were heading in a good place.

So, it wasn't b/c the MC told you to stop sending negative texts?

In fact, I really thought we were on the road to reconciliation.

I must have missed something.

I think we still are, as she seems to be having more good days than bad now.

Maybe you should explain exactly what you mean by she seems to be having more good days than bad now. Are you referring to the verbal interactions between the two of you? Do you sense her attitude is better? Are her actions indicating she wants to reconcile?

For example, she has said many times that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever forgive me, but then wants to see consistency for it to happen.

Forgive you for what?

I asked her in what ways can I show you consistency, so she said in communication and coparenting with our son. So I’ve been doing that for awhile now. Then she says she doesn’t know what it will take for her to forgive me. She says that to have any relationship with her will start by being the best coparent to her and working with her. Once I do that then she might work on more.

To be blunt.......she is blowing smoke up your rear. Look, she is using all this co-parenting b.s. as her ticket to keep you in the hot seat. I dare say that her view of you communicating and co-parenting with her, is not the basic rules of communication needed for co-parenting one child. One example is how she wants you to sit and listen to her read stories to him, when he's with you in your house. IMHO, that is not realistic when the parents are living in a physical separation. Just b/c she labels it part of co-parenting or communication, doesn't make it so. I think she may be wanting to go a bit extreme under the heading of co-parenting. Since when do you have to measure up to her standards of co-parenting and communicating. I mean, by reading what she told you, it sounds as if she's holding it over your head. Has she threatened to fight you for child custody or something?

Correct me if I am thinking of another sitch, but didn't the MC sessions start with the purpose of co-parenting? I mean, this has been her thing, hasn't it? She doesn't want to work on the MR, so after five months, I would think the co-parenting subject would have been covered by now. Truth is, you didn't attend for the purpose of co-parenting. You went for the purpose of reconciling your M, and she has been stringing you along all this time.

The next day on webchat she told me she wasn’t upset about the papers because that’s part of the process. She was upset at my timing if telling her about it. I tried to listen and validate. I did try to convince her that it wasn’t my fault and I had to follow the orders.

I suggest you stop trying to convince of anything, especially about yourself. She keeps pulling your strings, and you are dancing around like her puppet. She says you aren't communicating enough, and you jump up and dance. She says you need to co-parent in the ways she wants, and you jump up and dance. She throws just enough crumbs about how she might work on something more, if you do things like she wants.........and you jump up and dance to her tune. You say you are an alpha male, but from what I can see, she's the one who is clearly in charge.

Then last night on webchat, it was just horrible. She got so irritated at me when I told her that I liked her outfit again. She immediately shut our conversation down and attacked me through text when we got off. Again, I just listened and validated I used words of encouragement and support too. I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.

It was horrible b/c you decided it is horrible whenever she gets angry at you. You allow her moods or quick anger to determine if the day is good or horrible. When she got irritated and shut down the webchat, then it should have ended there, as for as you were concerned. You should have made a mental note that you wouldn't compliment her outfits, and gone on with your evening. You should have ignored her text attack, instead of responding. Clearly, you do not have boundaries in place and allow verbal attacks. The guys here may not agree with me, and they may say you should validate when she attacks......but IMHO, this is not how you deal with a disrespectful wife. Okay, so she didn't like you complementing her outfit, what did you say that made her mad enough to shut down the conversation? The only time a woman doesn't like a complement is when it comes from someone that disgusts her, or it is putting emotional pressure on her, or makes her feel uncomfortable by the implications. I suggest you don't compliment her again, for a very long time. I also suggest you set some boundaries in place.

I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.

I feel that was important because I’ve been the rock so far and I’m just getting to a point where I’m not sure I want to be subject to her riding her emotional rollercoaster anymore.

I think you both have been guilty of trying to emotionally control the other one. In so many words, she warns you, then you warn her......around & around the merry wheel goes. Until you decide your self respect is most important, then I think you will continue on the ride. Not to oversimplify, but a lot of the problems in this sitch would be resolved if you seriously decided that you will not be disrespected without consequences. You need to treat her in a respectful manner, too, if possible. Know the difference in showing respect.....cowing down......accommodating......and pursuing. You need to know where to draw lines. You don't chase after someone who has just disrespected you. That's how I see your actions after she attacked you. As long as she can attack you for complimenting her, and she gets rewarded..........when do you think she'll change that type of action? She gets mad, pouts or throws a tantrum.......and you are there with soothing words, supporting and encouraging her. Hows that working?

I'm not saying you should act ugly or hateful. There is a way that a husband can teach his W that he won't tolerate bad behavior. He can show firmness without being angry or mean. He can show strength without emotionally pressuring her. He can demonstrate his love, without being a wuss.

Newcomers often remind me of new converts trying interpret scripture. It takes spiritual discernment for it to make sense........and especially when it comes to application to one's life. I think you are trying to use advice you've received from various sources, but you are struggling with discernment. That's JMHO. ((hugs))