(((Yail))). It is amazing what space and some clear thinking can accomplish. Early on I was too caught up in the emotion of everything to see my marriage and my H clearly... the way others would if they were flys on the wall watching us. I did not want a divorce. It felt like a failure and even more so because I didn’t even get a chance to fix it. My H did everything he could to destroy our MR before then. I now know, however, that it was not my failure, it was his. He went against the promises he made. He chose to put himself and his “feelings” first...before our family, before everything we had built and accomplished together. He has to live with that. He has to look in the mirror and know, deep down, that he failed... and he failed miserably. I am at peace with that and with him...finally.
Spent a wonderful night with Jack. I made him dinner on my new barbecue and we hung out on the deck watching the boats in the harbour and enjoying the summer weather. When it got dark, we watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. I LOVE how cuddly and affectionate he is. This morning we lazed around a bit before my kids got home. I was supposed to have them last night but STBXH offered to keep them an extra night to give me a night off since I have been working all summer. I was outside in the driveway when their dad dropped them off and we had a friendly exchange and a short discussion about how the kids seem to be taking fewer baths because of the short timeframes spent at our respective houses. We laughed about it and agreed to both do better with reminders. It was nice.
Monday is a statutory holiday here so I have three glorious days off and a short work week. The week after that, I have some friends visiting from Mexico (school friends of my kids and their mom) so am only working three days. Taking the last two weeks in August off. No solid plans to go anywhere but I live in a summer tourist destination so am going to make it a fun staycation for the kids.
Still having periodic urges to break up with Jack. I love being with him and love how I feel when we are together but I am anxious about the relationship when we are not. In my heart of hearts, I do feel like the differences between us will eventually become an issue so in some ways, a break up feels inevitable at some point. Just don’t want to go their yet. His EI runs out at the end of the summer and he will have to get a job. It could be anywhere so it may be him in the end who breaks up with me. Time will tell...
(((HUGS))) to all in DB Land. Hope you are all having a beautiful summer weekend. xo
